What I Did
Nothing much to speak of has happened lately. Life has been steadily marching onward. It’s very difficult for me to get up and do anything these days, but it will probably get easier once I get past the darkest day of the year (December 21st), and get past this Christmas.
To recap and save you several much longer articles:
- We had had a functioning-enough family, with the four of us aspiring to go down to Texas in November to connect with the only family member between Tori and I that we trusted would be good for our kids to be around.
- Our marital conflicts got more severe over several months, starting sometime around maybe June, which I theorize was quite possibly driven by a mis-implementation of the Crappy Childhood Fairy’s courses on her end and my inappropriate approach of tuning out and marching on when Tori didn’t want to talk about things.
- On September 8th, in the midst of a terrible marital spat, I was triggered by an avalanche of shame, which led me to becoming physical with Tori, farther than I ever thought I was capable of. Tori called the police, and a no contact order was issued.
- Over the next few days, Tori acted rapidly to leave our apartment (including leaving our cat) and killed all means of communication: turned off her phone, went dark on social media, refused to speak with any lawyers, etc.
- I have not seen or heard of Tori, Victor, or Mia since then.
- The DHS case closed October 14th, and it’s entirely resolved.
- My sentencing on October 30th was a deferred judgment, with probation for a year, and the NCO extended to October 30th, 2029 because she never talked with the courts.
- I reached out to speak with my kids after the sentencing throughout November, but everyone I’ve contacted either doesn’t know where they are, or refuses to speak with me.
- Since I haven’t heard anything whatsoever, it’s not wise to leave all our finances for both of us or access to our shared cloud storage, so I’ve curtailed some of that until we can start a dialogue again. I have money waiting for her that she still hasn’t used.
Some people have said that her intention is to divorce me, but I’m convinced that’s not true, for several reasons:
- When she left, and afterward, she has in no way even touched any of our money whatsoever.
- The entire apartment was completely abandoned within a few days of the September 8th event, with nearly all our possessions still present there.
- While she did clearly delete photos and posts connected with me, she hasn’t been actively on social media at all, which includes Pinterest (which used to be her jam).
- God miraculously gave me her journal (she forgot to bring it, and it happened to land in the one small container that went to me in the trailer), which has a prayer the day after the event that the DHS be uninvolved with our family, the NCO lifted, and nobody get in between our family.
- After some time, when I tried reaching out to Frontier Church (who clearly assisted in some way for her to leave), they stated they don’t know where she is.
- Since I’ve always paid the bills and am the webmaster of our email and websites, I can see that she hasn’t turned her phone back on and doesn’t check much on her email.
In short, I’m hoping and believing the best of her, even while this is all rather mysterious. My personal theory is that she is over-reacting to government involvement. Law enforcement, of all types, doesn’t care a lick about me or her when their jobs deal with drug abusers as parents, sex traffickers, people who normalize domestic violence, and murderers. I hope she learns that soon as well.
What I Learned
Unfortunately, the thing I’ve learned has been horrific in light of this experience: choosing to not communicate anything destroys any chance of causing any good with the image of what people may think.
Let’s say that I spent every week with my friend, then completely ghosted him someday. He’d be forced to conclude at least a few possibilities:
- I no longer like him.
- He now disgusts me.
- I no longer have time for him.
- A recent event he did drives me to hate him.
- He’s a low priority to me.
It could easily be none of those. I could simply have a scheduling conflict, or maybe an emergency sprung up, or something else he’d be unable to imagine. A simple “sorry something came up will talk l8r” message would suffice to change everything in his mind. Or, telling someone to tell him would work as well. Even if it’s delayed, such as a letter, it gives closure to the people who need it.
We can often act in fear while we think we’re making decisive action. So, we may think we’re doing a good thing by not drawing attention to something verboten. What we don’t see, though, is that it magnifies the problems that already exist.
Essentially, the understanding of other people is part of the Great Unknown (at least to our phenomenology), and we create certainty with others when we communicate.
Further, the social reality of the matter is that, even in the desire for the utmost in privacy, people will talk. The proverbial statement that a secret is something you tell one person at a time applies immensely. The more “secret” or scandalous it feels, the more people talk, and simply coming out with the truth makes it impossible for people to hang that over your head.
In my situation, I’ve found peace in not knowing (since that’s God’s business), but we now have a relational crisis where Tori will only find closure in my apology and repentance if she reaches out to the courts. Or, she could wait four more years and ten-plus months.
How I’m Feeling
I’ve been through a lot this Christmas season. My newly opened feelings of guilt and shame have magnified the pain I feel about being away from Tori, Victor, and Mia. It doesn’t help that I’ve also been fighting some sickness in the mix of it.
I vacillate emotionally, but have accepted my lot in this situation. My responsibility is the same: love like Christ loves. This isn’t easy, nor is it something I can comfortably do with so little information, but I will continue to stay faithful to Tori and trust God is doing His work on her.
It’s a non-negotiable reality, at this point, that her complete absence, with zero update on the status of our kids, is her decision and her consequences. However, that doesn’t change my moral imperative to love her, and I trust God’s promises and faithfulness.
I know God is faithful to do His work, so I’ll trust that over anything else. He loves Victor and Mia more than I can, so He will do His will to guide them to the truth. He also loves Tori more than I can, so He will give her exactly what her soul needs.
What I’m Doing Now
The most beautiful woman I’ve known and the two amazing children we share aren’t in my life right now, but I have high hopes they will be soon enough.
She’d have to directly reach out to the Polk County Clerk of Court, either by calling or walking in, to have the NCO removed. I’ve discovered it would require a judge to rubber-stamp it, and then we’d be able to talk again. Nothing will happen in our marriage until either she does that, or the NCO expires October 30, 2029.
I’ve been sick throughout the holiday season, and my routines have suffered from it. After I’m better, I’ll be able to start into those rituals again.
But, I have several ways I will honor this holiday season.
1. The Tradition of Ramen
It may have been inspired by the story behind Hanukkah, but Tori and I have made a tradition of eating ramen every year. It’s a loud reminder that, no matter how far we go, that we remember where we came from.
The experiences this year hits me particularly hard on another level, since I’ve realized our lack of money wasn’t the only poverty we suffered. Tori and I had been raised to be asocial. While Tori and I have been highly qualified people, we never had a family or community we could trust.
I am just now starting to reap the consequences of a new community, but this entire experience is more difficult because we don’t have any range of extended family to help us:
- Tori has a mom, whom she has called a gaslighter, and a dad, whom she has called a deadbeat. That’s it. No siblings, grandparents, uncles, aunts, or cousins to interact with.
- I get along fine with my dad, my mother is likely a covert narcissist, and my brother refuses to speak with me because I made a severe remark about his video game addiction about a decade ago. Neither my dad nor my mom has been well-connected with their extended families.
God-willing, this type of poverty will not follow us for much longer, but I will continue to have ramen on Christmas, and I trust they will as well, to remember where we came from.
2. The Tradition of New Beginnings
Even older than our ramen tradition, we decided to make a more meaningful use of New Year’s resolutions. Instead of making promises while half-drunk in public, we decided to write them down and put them in a jar, then check next year whether we made progress and keep track of what we had accomplished.
While our last New Year’s resolutions are presently in a storage container, and it’s very cold over here, meaning I don’t want to go there and get them, and it’s not the same without Tori and the kids, I will still resolve to new things. I trust they will as well, to remember where we can go.
3. Christmas Giving
We have both talked about the importance of Christmas gifts, specifically in teaching Victor and Mia the importance of giving gifts, as opposed to simply getting them.
I was able to create a few new accounts she has access to, for Victor and Mia’s Christmas presents. It’s literally the only thing I can do. I trust she’ll find it.