Stories have a dialectical nature: there is a thesis, an antithesis, and a synthesis that combines the thesis and antithesis into something new. It is how we all perceive stuff, and it comes with upsides and downsides.
One downside to this mechanism is that it’s difficult to express things before the presentation of the synthesis. Without the right information to prioritize, how can you tell which information is relevant? Watch any movie an hour in without knowing the ending, pause it, and try telling a friend all about it to see what I mean.
An upside, though, is that the new synthesis can briefly express all of the story’s key information,, which is why you can answer “so what’s the movie about?” in less than five minutes. While it provides the illusion of completeness, it’s actually removing irrelevant information, and the feeling of “completeness” is just magnifying the remaining information.
All of this is to give context: I have an unresolved state of affairs with my family, so it requires a long post. I don’t like to bore people, but my situation is complex enough that brevity evades me.
To save the trouble of being dropped into the middle of things, here’s a recap of the situation, no punches pulled:
- My wife Tori and I are covert narcissistic abuse survivors. We both created dysfunctional coping mechanisms to deal with it:
- I learned to weaponize truth and bludgeon people with the facts whenever I observed narcissistic behavior. My entire purpose in life was directed toward “bullying the bullies”, and I later hybridized Stoicism and Nihilism into a perverse form of Christianity that could most closely be compared to pre-WWII American Deism.
- Tori learned to stay as blameless as possible by trying to be as hidden as possible from culpability. She saw everything as hopeless and meaningless after dropping out of art school, but then latched onto my philosophy of self-definition and self-direction.
- Our shared antagonism against institutions framed our marriage, and we were blessed with both Victor and Mia in the midst of a severely anti-establishment mindset.
- Tori nearly died from neglecting prenatal care with Victor, and we didn’t readily seek out a healthy community, all the way from California to Iowa.
- Both of us were living moral, law-abiding lives, with zero trouble from the law and limiting our substance abuses to only legal things. We’d both research the crap out of everything we touched, but having a plethora of tools isn’t a sufficient replacement for knowing how to use them.
- In 2021, I spanked Mia too hard in the course of discipline and called the police to get her to the hospital. To hers and my surprise, I went to jail and was charged with child endangerment. Since I waived my Miranda Rights (I told them and showed them everything that happened 3 times over without a lawyer), I went from career nerd to convicted felon 5 months later.
- We continued to have limited institutional engagement (not much church, not many activities outside the home). There was very little spirituality in the home, but plenty of intellectual pursuits.
- On 2024-09-08, almost a year ago, I lost my temper farther than I realized I could in response to her giving the silent treatment in the midst of a conflict.
- In my anger, I projected the narcissistic behavior to be the same as my mother’s, and I physically hurt her. I had done it one other time in a similar context a couple days prior to that.
- Whne she was unresponsive, I started throwing unimportant plates on the ground to get a raction, and she called the police.
- I went to our church since it was Sunday morning, and was arrested there.
- After a night in jail, I was given a no contact order against her alone, meaning I couldn’t go back to my apartment for any reason or contact her in any way.
- In all legal capacities, my children were and have been in no way a part of anything beyond this. I have had every right and freedom to see my kids.
- Things were chaotic for the next few weeks:
- I was in a mad scramble to get a car and back to work.
- By 2024-09-13, she avoided the immediate risk of the DHS or police being involved by leaving our apartment. I know this because she left her journal that indicates that, as well as the fact that she hasn’t reappeared at all since then.
- The church we had been visiting sent me a legally-unprovable-they-were-involved email that unhelpfully told me she was no longer in the city of Des Moines. They also told me they’d deem my presence at that church as trespassing.
- Besides that email, the date of the event (2024-09-08) is the last time I have seen Tori, Victor, or Mia.
- God led me to Des Moines Fellowship church, which is the church I still go to.
- Among everything else, they helped move everything I had to our family storage unit.
- I was sentenced with a deferred judgment and the no contact order terms were set until the earlier of 2029-10-30 or whenever she requests an Iowa judge to have it lifted.
- A deferred judgment means I pled guilty, but it will be expunged and never have legally happened if I stay out of trouble until I’m off probation.
- The 2029 date is the standard no contact order extension when someone completely disappears and doesn’t talk to anyone. If she had had a 4-minute conversation with a DHS caseworker or prosecuting attorney, it would have been set earlier or lifted altogether.
- I reached out to the church that had assisted her, but they refused to even talk with me, and have said via email as of early November that they have had no contact with Tori or the kids.
- The DHS case was closed around mid-November.
- Through a legal butterfly effect (long story, but #3 mixed with #10), I lost my insurance license in February, which means I lost my job.
- I’ve now endured not seeing my family through the 2024 holidays, all four of our birthdays, and both our anniversary dates.
- I will probably be off probation sometime in September.
I had committed to visit Union Park every day at 2:00 pm or 5:00 pm every day, but that has proved far too emotionally difficult for me:
- The north side of the park has a full-function carousel, a splash pad, and a Space Age rocket slide. Since it’s legit fire, there are always families there to remind me of my children.
- The south side of the park is a large circular field on a raised embankment, surrounded by many fully-developed trees. The privacy of the location means many people park there for no apparent reason. It’s a painful reminder of my present situation.
So, I have conceded that I am not strong enough to keep going to Union Park. I still pray every day for them, but it’s too much for me to visit somewhere where I’m given more pain without it serving anyone’s interests.
What I’ve Learned
I’ve come to closure with the situation: Tori is making a bad decision. At this point, I can’t claim responsibility for anything in my domain that will fix my family.
There’s also no place for me to feel shame anymore: the scope of damage I’ve done to Tori doesn’t match the added trauma Tori has added by separating Victor and Mia from me, irrespective of her motivation.
By His grace, I am now living within a unique unlikelihood:
- With intimate partner violence in the USA at 16 million per year (reported, anyway), 4.8% of people engage in it.
- Since violence requires an actor to perform it, it’s likely closer to 9% (since one person may be violent towards multiple victims).
- It’s typical for the violence victim to move away from the aggressor, and that’s what no contact order empowers someone to do.
- It’s not as typical that the victim is paranoid of the government and avoids giving any guidance about their preference in the matter.
- It’s also not typical that parental rights are withheld from the aggressor over an isolated event.
- Finally, in the lens of probability, it’s not typical that neither the aggressor nor the victim has a sufficient social network of shared family or friends to draw on to assist in a situation like this one.
So, in all of this, I can only trust that God has and will work His will to bring what He wants to see through this family. I can’t disagree that I’ve learned some things through this experience I wouldn’t have learned any other way, and I assume He’s teaching hard lessons for her, with Victor and Mia able to witness how she takes it.
However, due to the uncertain realities present and how long it has been, I have to expect that I won’t really know the Tori I eventually encounter again.
If I was just re-encountering her, I could play this whole thing by ear as it unfolds, but I have two children who depend on the decisions I make, so I have more responsibility in front of me.
And, in light of that, there are 3 broad versions of Tori I must maintain. I will flesh out the three people as I envision them.
Tori A: terrified of only the government
With respect to the 2021 event, Tori informed me that the DHS case worker was heavily suggesting that she ought to press charges against me. She, however, saw my motivations for what they were, and didn’t. She also stood up for me with verbal testimony in front of the Iowa Insurance Division to testify for my character.
In the midst of this, she heard from our mutual-as-of-then friend Candy of DHS abductions, where some states have had events where children have been forcibly removed from loving parents and sold into sex slavery. This is rare, but has happened to some newsworthy level, and the chance of that happening terrifies her.
In light of this, she is afraid any action she takes involving me may trigger an event with the police, and she may even lose custody of the children. Any action, including searching the web, may trigger some investigation with the police or DHS, and we’ll both lose our children.
She also won’t use anyone else to give me time with the kids, since she fears any event may trigger or reopen a DHS event.
All she can do is to wait until I’m off probation, then see where things stand legally.
Others who talk with her may know better, but they don’t want to be culpable against the no contact order, so they have refused to talk with me. Some of them have blocked my phone number for that reason, just to be safe.
In this situation, the wisest decision is to carry on with my life, and she’ll turn up sometime.
Tori B: terrified of the government and me
She’s not terrified of the government alone, but also of me. She knows I’ve changed, but doesn’t know in what way. She can no longer predict me, and it terrifies her. While she has felt safe in the past because she though she would never be harmed, she now distrusts absolutely everyone.
This view wouldn’t arise from myself alone, but from her projections of who she has called a deadbeat father. She said he was never present, and that projection of perceiving neglect could expand to also believing me to have far less concern or compassion than I legitimately do.
While she does have a right to any view she wants, no matter how wrong, it disregards Victor and Mia’s wellbeing. Our kids deserve time with their dad and their mom, irrespective of what dumb problems their parents have.
Of course, the ghosting by others is just as tenable: the government is still a factor in all of this.
However, if this is how she feels, our marriage needs institutional intervention, whether it comes from a church, the DHS, marital counseling, or mutual friends.
Tori C: a covert narcissist caught in a web
This last one is difficult for me to write, and I refuse to believe it’s likely. However, in the absence of any further information, it can’t be disbelieved beyond possibility.
She has expressed narcissistic behavior, but it goes farther than simple behaviors (which most people express at one point or another).
Her desire for self-preservation has dominated above everything else in light of the abuse I’ve delivered. She can’t admit responsibility for her actions that has led to our marriage issues.
This flavors every interaction she’s made with everyone since September, and every description she has made about me with others has depicted her as strictly blameless.
In that quest for blamelessness, she would have to embellish or discredit the truth about me, and the stories would have to become increasingly grandiose to sufficiently validate her decisions.
In this scenario, the allies she’d accumulate would see me as a secretly raging and calculating monster who destroyed his doting and submissive wife in his obsessive bid for whatever was most abused by the person she’s talking with.
If successful, she’d be able to provoke those allies to see themselves as responsible to help preserve her from the disasters awaiting her I could bring if given the opportunity. It’s why nobody has reached out to me, even to indicate that they’re safe. Their opinion, whatever it is, is that I’m so toxic and so evil that I don’t even deserve to share my side of the story or have a chance to indemnify my actions.
And, if all this is true, my idiot savant autism didn’t get the memo that I was being played by a covert narcissist. It would mean she hasn’t changed much from when I married her. It would also mean that both her experience at Bob Jones University and with her mother has been an embellishment of the truth.
The #metoo movement has also triggered an odd cultural belief that would magnify the issue: we must always believe all allegations of all victims of any event, irrespective of other extenuations. It’s neo-Marxism under a different brand, where the bourgeoisie/white hetero male/bully is an unmovable force of pure evil and greed, and not compatible with a Christian view (namely, that we pray for our enemies and ask God to make them repent of their sin).
And, if this is the case, she needs mental help immediately, and our children are unsafe with her.
Back to Reality
All three of these descriptive portraits of Tori are built on the same facts indicated in the list above. However, they diverge immensely.
Tori A leaves me with concern for her and the kids, and I miss all three of them deeply. I choose to hold onto this one.
Tori B leaves me feeling concerned, but also anxious, since I know the answer would be through open communication. She may also be spiraling into a mental state that’s unfit for Victor and Mia. More time away means more risks for the wellbeing of our kids.
Tori C disgusts me, and underneath that resentment lies a powerful antagonism I feel for all narcissists. It is a deep-seated hatred that comes from unresolved PTSD I hold against my mother. I know narcissists should be pitied, not hated, and this would be the most difficult situation, especially since I still love her as a bad imitation of how Christ loves the Church.
But, none of these actually exist: they are quantum states that only exist in my mind and of those who know only my side of the story. Those who know her side, including those of you reading this, see something else entirely from your vantage point.
Thankfully, I don’t have to think more on any of this: all of this boils down to what I must do.
What I Must Do
No matter what, all I need to do is wait it out.
- My probation ends sometime next month. At that point, what happened last September never legally happened, and I’m given a chance to make sure it never happens again (or happens for the first time later?). Tori A will re-emerge shortly after that.
- I’m getting promoted from convenience store cashier to convenience store manager. Since it’s a small store in a very centrally-managed organization, “manager” basically means “cashier with paperwork”. But, since I did insurance and accounting, I consider myself a professional bureaucrat.
I think the fact that I’m laying all this out publicly should be its own tautology to my good faith approach. If not, I wouldn’t be able to prove it to someone already convinced of what they knew.
But, God knows, and I trust Him to fight my battles for me.
Of course, I’m definitely no more than a month or two from acting, whether triggered by her decision or mine (or God’s intervention, naturally). In light of these pending decisions, I’ve had a prevaiiling thought regarding what “loving” behavior looks like in a safety-obsessed society:
- It is our natural human state to live in a risk management mindset (e.g., save money so you have enough if the car blows up).
- However, Jesus asks us to behave lovingly.
- Therefore, we must assess any risks towards what would be loving (e.g., save money so you have enough to help someone who needs it).
In effect, my decision to wait is the safest: it gives God more time to work what He wants, and gives Tori more time to learn what He needs to teach her. Tori A and Tori B will self-discover how paranoid she’s been, and Tori C will come to a decisive place of true humiliation or repentance.
Or to put another way, in God’s hierarchy, Tori is my glory, and under my authority (1 Corinthians 11:7-9), but that doesn’t mean I have final authority:
- God is the father to the fatherless, even if it’s absentee like my situation (Psalm 68:5-6).
- Any rash decision on my end is taking away from her salvation (1 Timothy 2:11-15).
- Even if Tori C is truly rebellious, He may yet have a journey destined for her, but it’s not my place to deliver it (Romans 12:19).
What I’m Doing Now
I am living out Lamentations 3:25-30:
- The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
- to the soul who seeks Him.
- It is good to wait quietly
- for the salvation of the LORD.
- It is good for a man to bear the yoke
- while he is still young.
- Let him sit alone in silence,
- for God has disciplined him.
- Let him bury his face in the dust—
- perhaps there is still hope.
- Let him offer his cheek to the one who would strike him;
- let him be filled with reproach.
I’d get the sack suit and throw ashes on myself, but I’m already behaving strangely enough from this new spiritual experience.
I’m still waiting for Tori to reappear with Victor and Mia, but God may have more in store for her before we’re ready to meet again.
While this recent experience has broken me, God has strategically used the situation to lop off some of the character defects magnified through autism. I’ve seen how mind-blind I’ve been to how others perceive information.
To that end, I’m migrating all my commonplacing to this repository, as well as dehoarding from this repository. As of 2025-08-21, I have 189 left. I must do this to magnify what’s left.