# What makes a good marriage

Marriage is a type of [social contract](people-contracts.md):

- Both people are sharing all of their assets and responsibilities together.
- They are both promising to keep their [sexual life](relationships-sex.md) constrained only to the other person.
- They're agreeing to share all large [decisions](mind-decisions.md) together.
- They both agree to share their descisions regarding [children and parenting](parenting-children.md) together.
- Further, they are subconsciously expecting other things like [emotional](mind-feelings.md) support and a shared vision about the future.

In healthy marriages, both spouses make tremendous sacrifices for each other:

- From [dating](relationships-dating.md) onward, you're maintaining [an intimate friendship](people-friends.md) and learning to [love](people-love.md).
- Your relationship *can* be [fun](fun.md), but it also comes with responsibilities and a lifelong commitment.
  - The [agreement](relationships-marriage-secularcontract.md) of "to have and to hold" means to stay with that person through *everything*.
- Whenever possible, stay emotionally supportive and available for them.
- Respect them and their [decisions](mind-decisions.md), even when they're not around.
- Their advice and input must be important to you somehow, or the relationship needs to change.

All relationships build on [trust](mind-trust.md):

- Every relationship issue can be fixed with open [communication](language-speaking.md) and faithful behavior.
  - As your relationship develops, you'll *always* find more [conflicts and disagreements](people-conflicts.md) you must sort out together.
  - Open communication shows each person the other's thoughts and removes them having to guess.
- If you don't trust them with your life, they have no reason to trust *you* with *their* life.
  - Everyone is a little odd, so loving relationships require mutually accepting each other despite [disagreements](people-conflicts.md).

We end up feeling loved or satisfied with our partner if 3 different conditions are fulfilled:

1. Kindness: our partner is gentle with our imperfections and can tolerate us as we are.
2. Shared vulnerability: We can be mutually open about anxieties, worries, and problems that throw us off, and then share in our weaknesses.
3. Understanding: We can make sense of our own mind and feel understood in turn.

## Building the relationship

Intimacy is a holistic connection of several interconnected domains where we don't [fear](mind-feelings-fear.md) rejection or loss with someone:

1. Intellectual intimacy - sharing your thoughts
2. Emotional intimacy - discussing [feelings](mind-feelings.md)
3. Social intimacy - discussing time spent apart with others
4. Physical intimacy - sharing your body, all the way up to [sex](relationships-sex.md)
5. Spiritual intimacy - sharing your [soul](humanity.md) and [spirituality](theology-godandman-humanity.md) with them

Routinely express your love for them how *they* prefer it, not you:

1. Quality time - completely uninterrupted time with them:
   - Every relationship needs at *least* 5 hours a week of meaningful discussion, with 90 minutes devoted to practical discussion about practical matters.
     - If you don't discuss frequently, it creates a backlog of discussions and the relationship starts diverging.
   - Ask how their day was and [actively listen to them](language-speaking.md).
   - Make a non-negotiable scheduled date night at *least* every other week.
   - [Have fun](fun.md) and [find humor](humor.md) with them regularly.
   - Create memories together by going to unique places and doing new things.
   - Even when you're not on a date, set aside quality time with them at least every few days.
2. Affirming statements - [positive expressions](language-speaking.md) of what that person is or does:
   - Every relationship needs each partner to share at *least* one positive thought about them per day.
   - Write a note to your spouse every day.
   - Avoid mixing in any constructive criticism or admonitions: only affirm them for who they are and what they do.
   - Take photos of each other at least every few months.
   - Take a picture every anniversary with last year's photo in it.
   - Tell them you admire them in the way they admire themselves.
3. Acts of service - doing things that improve their quality of life:
   - Every relationship needs 3-4 helpful tasks toward each other every week.
   - Avoid doing anything that irritates them.
   - When you live with them, it can simply be [cleaning](home-housekeeping.md) or [organizing](organization.md).
   - Get something done they hate doing at least once a week.
4. Physical touch - intentional, gentle contact with them:
   - Each relationship requires at *least* an intimate greeting and departing ritual.
   - Greet them with a hug or kiss.
   - Hold their hand to affirm them.
5. Physical gifts - objects that demonstrate you care:
   - Every relationship needs at least 1 gift a month from each other.
   - They don't need to be expensive, but must be meaningful.
   - Give them gifts at least once a month.
   - Send love letters and poems periodically.

Slowly open up to them and observe how they respond to you:

- Regularly expose them to your daily routines.
  - Go shopping and run errands with them.
  - Visit friends with them around.
  - Share your hobbies with them and get involved in theirs.
- To learn who they really are, share *all* your opinions with them.
  - Openly accept their thoughts and core opinions as you discover them.
  - Tell them plainly when you dislike one of their thoughts.
  - Openly discuss your [finances](money-1_why.md) with them.
  - Your [religious faith](religion.md) should mesh, *especially* if either of you want [children](parenting-children.md) someday.
  - While your preferences may differ, you should both share similar philosophies about life, and they may [change](people-changes.md).
  - By the time you're considering [living together](home-moving.md) or [marrying](relationships-weddings.md), you should know approximately what they feel about most things.

As your relationship naturally grows, expect they'll be more involved in your life:

- You should be able to accept them as they are and not how you wish them to be.
- In some way, you must be able to [imagine](mind-creativity-how.md) that person fitting in with your future [career](jobs-1_why.md) and [goals](success-3_goals.md).
- When you're working off [past trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) and afraid of losing them, *seriously* reconsider the value of your relationship and ask why you're still in it.

Build daily and weekly [rituals](habits.md) that include your partner, even if they're seemingly mundane.

Don't compare your relationship:

- Everyone has their own experiences and had to make their own [decisions](mind-decisions.md), and each relationship combines two unique people into a distinctive pairing.
- Unless you're trying to improve yourself, comparing your relationship to others' is a terrible idea.
- Most people will compare their relationship to yours, but that's *their* [misery](mind-feelings-happiness.md) they need to work through.

Protect yourself sexually:

- Sex allows people to "reset" how they feel about their partner, which is crucial with marriage's constant conflicts.
  - Since [dating](relationships-dating.md) doesn't have nearly as many issues, sex while dating will ruin your [conflict management skills](people-conflicts.md) for when the consequences get more severe.
- If you *ever* break up, the deep intimacy that comes from sex will emotionally destroy you.
  - Only have sex with someone you're fully certain you'll be with for the rest of your life (i.e., marriage for life).
- Even when you're desperate, sex with strangers is never worth the emotional pain, risks of venereal disease, and risks of an unwanted pregnancy.

Contrary to what anyone ever says, men and women are [distinctly different](people-gender.md).

- All of these differences make [marital conflicts](relationships-marriage-conflicts.md) a *very* dramatic experience.

## Marrying and living together

Living together romantically without marriage is risky:

- Marriage has religious origins, but it's also a legally binding commitment.
  - [Moving](home-moving.md) in together, even if you separate assets, is still sharing life and possessions together.
  - If you have no religious background, *always* get a prenuptial agreement.
- Even if you both made a lifetime non-marriage commitment to each other, you can back out at any time because you didn't hold a [public declaration](relationships-weddings.md) of it.
- Assuming opposite genders, sex always has the risk of bringing children, which adds *much* more responsibility to your lives.

Marriage is a *huge* commitment:

- Once you've married, *every* major life decision now includes your spouse.
  - Your spouse will share the glory of your [successes](success-1_why.md).
  - If you're fighting any [misery](mind-feelings-happiness.md), you'll eventually harm your spouse's happiness.
- The most important person in your life has transitioned from your father or mother to your spouse.

Marriage involves sharing every aspect of daily life with your partner:

- Relationships with their [friends](people-friends.md) and family
- Expressions of affection, sexual desire, and sexual expression
- Likes, dislikes, preferences, and [habits](habits.md)
- [Sleep habits and cycle](sleep.md)
- Recreational media like TV, music, and video games
- [Hobbies and pastimes](fun.md)
- Decisions about home management, including [decorations](home-decorations.md) and [housekeeping routines](home-housekeeping.md).
- Holidays, traditions, and [vacations](fun-vacations.md)
- [Pets](fun-pets.md)
- Bathroom use and shower times
- [Dining/cooking](cooking.md) habits and [etiquette](people-rules.md)
- Possessions like [cars](autos.md) and [real estate](homes-buysell.md)
- Their punctuality, [productivity](success-4_routine.md), and [hygiene](people-image.md) habits
- [Shopping](money-saving.md) habits
- Decisions to throw out, save or recycle
- Climate control settings

By living together, conflicts intensify:

- Because you both own things together, [money](money-1_why.md) and [budget](money-3_budget.md) issues inevitably arise.
  - Money symbolizes security for females, but an opportunity to exercise freedom for males.
- Both partners must decide who has to do unpleasant tasks.
  - Paperwork, bill paying, [insurance](money-insurance.md), and [budgeting](money-3_budget.md)
  - [Shopping](money-4_spending.md)
  - [Chores (especially dishes and trash)](home-housekeeping.md), yard work, and [organization](organization.md)
  - Buying gifts, [sending letters](language-writing.md), arranging social activities
  - [Automotive maintenance and repairs](autos.md) and [home renovations](home-decorations.md)
- Designate specific household tasks to the one who finds it least unpleasant.
  - Traditional [gender roles](people-gender.md) are useful for assigning the many tasks for running a household, then reassigning based on each person's [personality](people-personality.md).
  - Routinely revisit those designations, especially if a chore stays unfinished.
  - Make a "honey do list" for each other to complete.
- Differences in religious, political, and philosophical have far-reaching effects on your relationship.
  - While you can live indefinitely with someone who has different views, it's only to the degree you both can accept a difference of opinion.
  - [Parenting an infant](parenting-babies.md) will create disagreements on what's best for the baby, which will cause even more stress than anything else you've experienced. The conflicts become far more pronounced as [your children get older](parenting-children.md).

Your extended families *will* play a role in your shared life:

- Beyond [cultural norms](people-rules.md), you can involve or exclude your family as much as you want, but it's a shared decision with your partner.
- If your in-laws aren't destructive or abusive, find value in time you must spend with them.
- Say "no" to any boundaries they cross, especially about large decisions that affect *your* family.
- Generally, keep [conflicts](people-conflicts.md) between the adult child and their direct extended family and away from in-laws whenever possible.

Your old friendships will change:

- As your relationship intensifies, especially when you marry, *all* your [friends'](people-friends.md) roles will change.
  - Your single friends will be more distant, especially around your spouse.
  - Your newly married friends will compare their life with yours.
  - Your [dating/engaged](relationships-dating.md) friends will start considering either [a wedding](relationships-weddings.md) or breaking up.
  - Your "veteran" married friends will often patronize your limited marital experience.
- Your spouse won't meet all your needs, so stay in touch with the friends (especially same-gender) who *do* stick around.

Your spouse will affect how you think:

- Your spouse's decisions will profoundly affect your [career](jobs-1_why.md).
- You'll slowly adapt [your definition of success](success-2_attitude.md) to your spouse's.
- Since you're sharing their life, your life experience slowly merges with theirs:
  - Triumphs and efforts
  - [Injuries and recoveries](hardship.md)
  - [Emotional and mental world](mind-imagination.md)
  - [Purposes](purpose.md) and [legacy](legacy.md)
  - Future desires
- All your shared experiences and changes mean you will talk and think similarly after decades of marriage.

## Accepting differences

Popular culture generally teaches the falsehood that a loving marriage is the perfect merger of two lives.

- There is an implicit belief that comes through falling in love that both partners will share *everything* together.
  - Living in the same house.
  - Eating the same meals together.
  - Going to bed and getting up at the same time.
  - Only having sex (as well as sexual thoughts) exclusively about their partner.
  - Frequently spending time with each other's families.
  - Sharing all their [friends](people-friends.md) in common.
  - Thinking the same thoughts on every topic at every moment.
- Clinically, this mindset is a type of socially endorsed codependency.
  - Each person will get *some* value from their spouse, but they're assigning value to a marriage that is better served by a [community](groups-small.md) and [religious observance](religion.md).
- Besides being impossible, it's also needlessly cruel.
  - It sets an impossibly punitive burden on the other partner.

Men must learn some key, irreconcilable facts about women:

- Compared to women, men are unsophisticated, emotionally uninvolved, and rude.
- Women crave close, personal affection and security.
  - Affirm her frequently, such as calling her beautiful.
  - Acknowledge her feelings without *any* context (e.g., "that feels sad").
  - Show physical, non-[sexual](relationships-sex.md) affection.
  - Perform small acts of kindness for her (e.g., opening the door for her).
  - Give at least two months' notice for any large decision, including [marriage proposals](relationships-weddings.md) and [children](parenting-babies.md).
  - Always stay open to expanding your [awareness](mind-awareness.md) of [feelings](mind-awareness-feelings.md) and sentiments.
- Usually, a woman will vent her frustrations, but do *not* try to [fix it](https://adequate.life/fix/): just [listen](language-speaking.md).
  - Men are typically unaware of many [risks](safety.md), so listen to concerns women are expressing.
- Learn additional [self-maintenance](people-image.md) to meet a woman's standard.

Conversely, women must learn some key, irreconcilable facts about men:

- Compared to men, women are complicated, inefficient, and crazy.
- Men crave respect for accomplishments and need consistent challenging experiences.
  - Admire what he's done, especially with his [career](jobs-1_why.md) and [parenting](parenting-children.md).
  - [Tactfully](people-boundaries.md) tell him what you *really* think and believe, because he won't understand an implication.
- Women usually people-boundaries.md *far* more intensely than men.
  - Scale your feelings down [into words he can understand](language-speaking.md).
  - Give men more personal space to let them cope with the emotional intensity.
- Most women overestimate the intelligence of men.
  - Men don't understand implications as well and aren't trying to be rude or impatient.
- Women tend to over-communicate smaller risks because they think they weren't heard, and must learn to trust that men will eventually approach problems in their own time.

## Preventing complacency

You *will* eventually take your spouse for granted:

- If you're dating someone, they're new and interesting, but they become familiar and sometimes forgettable.
- Romantic passion never lasts more than 2 years, no matter how much you foster it.
- They're no longer "new" anymore to you, but that's the beginning of marriage and the end of [simply dating](relationships-dating.md).

Keep the romantic passion alive:

- It's natural for both marriage partners at different times to feel sexually inadequate, so consistently communicate what you find attractive in them.
- To keep life exciting, occasionally break routines for no reason.
- Do something new, silly or unplanned with them.
- [Date them](relationships-dating.md) at least once a month (preferably once a week), and set time aside for intimacy and sex.
- Since sex always makes both of you happier, *never* withhold it or use it as a [negotiation tactic](people-conflicts-negotiation.md).

Consistently reaffirm your love:

- Praise them or show your appreciation at least once a day.
- Write love notes.
- Give a massage.
- Let them have the last piece of food.
- Take over childcare or chores.
- [Find new ways](mind-creativity-how.md) to show you love them.
- In loving marriages, both partners believe they got the better deal out of the relationship.

Keep learning about them:

- Ask about them and their thoughts, then [actively listen](language-speaking.md).
- Find new things you like about them.
- Discover what your spouse values, then learn more about those things.
- Learn about their friends, potential friends, and rivals.
- Recollect significant past events with them, or get involved in their upcoming activities.
- Learn more about their stresses, worries, hopes, and aspirations.
- Even when you want to distance yourself, keep yourself open to a dialogue with them.

Don't compare your marriage with others':

- Each marriage story is uniquely different because it's two lives merging together.
- In time, parts of your marriage will eventually look just like every other marriage.
- Marriage is a long-term life commitment, and most romance stories set false expectations of its long-term implications.

In the midst of the rest of your lifestyle, try to keep the [sex](relationships-sex.md) interesting.

## How marriages fail

Marriages need a strong foundation:

- Healthy marriages are based more on commitment and trust than sentiment, feelings or love.
  - Love in marriage is wonderful and exciting, but commitment keeps spouses together through *all* their lives.
- Mental disorders and personality defects don't necessarily ruin marriages, but a spouse's *response* to them will.
  - [Practice good boundaries](people-3_respect.md) and [stay their friend](people-friends.md).
  - Don't complain about them to casual friends (e.g., coworkers or online).
  - Doing *everything* together can foster unhealthy codependency and destroy both your [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md), but doesn't necessarily end a marriage.
- Shared interests alone don't keep a marriage together.
  - Successful marriages come through *how* a couple shares interests.
  - Work toward common [goals](success-3_goals.md) and [share fun things together](fun.md).

Every single marriage eventually has a rough period:

- On average, marriages will hit a lull around age 40 or around the seventh/tenth year, but will improve afterward if the couple sticks with it.
- They will reach out to peers or older friends to find answers.
- Even when they both feel very little hope, they'll both make their marriage a priority.
- And, because of their commitment and devotion, they get through it.

A marriage "crisis" is the buildup of small issues:

- An unhealthy marriage will draw children, friends, and extended family into the conflict and force them to choose a side.
- Dysfunctional marriages end in divorce when one of the two has completely given up hope that they can resolve the relationship's [conflicts](people-conflicts.md):
  1. Both spouses imagine divorce is not even *possible*.
  2. They realize and become discouraged that marriage is harder than they expected.
  3. Both spouses find the marriage tedious and frustrating, but are waiting for improvement instead of talking out their feelings and concerns.
  4. After a while, they both feel desperate to make the marriage work.
  5. At least one of the spouses loses hope that the other spouse can meet their desires, but maintains it from a sense of duty.
  6. Someone or something else meets the private needs a spouse is supposed to fulfill, *outside* the marriage:
     - While it can be a lover from a social circle or workplace, it can also be an [addiction to a substance](addiction-substances.md) or a detached lifestyle from their spouse.
  7. After a while, a cheating spouse will often hide details from their spouse (e.g., place their phone face down on the table).
  8. The rift between the spouses grows, and the cheating spouse will suspect the *faithful* spouse of cheating.
     - They will suspect them to the degree they distrust them.
     - The faithful spouse will have no clue and be puzzled by the others' behavior.
  9. Eventually, unless they both start expressing more vulnerability (and sincerely apologizing and [forgiving](hardship-forgiveness.md)), the marriage will become a hollow existence or lead to divorce.

The best way to stop the risk of cheating is to increase your transparency with your spouse and encourage them to do the same.

If your partner is resentful or angry, you can't do much about it:

- Seek forgiveness, but [release it](hardship-forgiveness.md) if they won't forgive you and won't communicate what you must do for them to forgive you.
- The only way for them to change is through their own decision to release and forgive.
- If you've openly apologized and done everything you can to improve the situation, and they still won't change, all you can do is wait for them to have a life-changing experience:
  - A [near-death experience](hardship-death.md) or death of a loved one
  - A [religious](religion.md) experience
  - If you keep trying to invest into the relationship, you will likely become resentful or angry yourself.

Even in a loveless marriage, staying married has some benefits:

- Beyond religious reasons, there are many logical reasons to not divorce:
  - For the [children](parenting-children.md) to grow up in a good home
  - [Financial stability](money-1_why.md)
  - A shared desire to not be alone or unwilling to start again with another [relationship](relationships-dating.md)
  - The [reputation damage](people-image-why.md) from divorce or the extra work it creates
- The best way to keep a loveless marriage is through detachment.
  - Detachment is setting difficult [boundaries](people-3_respect.md) that treat the spouse like a respected stranger.
  - Don't give advice or try to change them or their decisions.
  - Disregard things that irritate you.
  - Don't comment on their behavior and let them live their own life.
- When possible and safe, connect with them casually.
  - Enjoy meals together.
  - Bond over shared experiences like the [children](parenting-children.md) or television.
  - Keep conversation topics lightweight and neutral.
- For your own [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md), however, you *must* move on from a loveless or abusive marriage.

## Modern risks to marriage

The [precedent](legal-safety.md) around marriage has shifted dramatically in the last few centuries.

1. At one time, only men worked and women [took care of children](parenting-children.md).
2. When a [divorce](hardship-family-divorce.md) happened (which was extremely rare), the women could only maintain their lifestyle with his alimony payments.
3. Further, parenting was once far more expensive before [modern appliances and superstores](engineering-conveniences.md) or [public primary education](education.md), so he had to pay child support as well.
4. Then, and only then, the discussion of custody and visitation would arise, with her receiving more custody under things like the [tender years doctrine](lawsaxioms-legal.md).

The [rules](people-rules.md) were framed under a society where women couldn't vote or hold most careers.

Now, however, society has largely changed, but the rules often haven't.

- Women can now pursue nearly any career they want, but often receive preferential treatment in alimony disputes.
- Modern technology allows either parent to be a sufficient caretaker with the right community supporting them, but mothers are often favored in custody decisions.
- Visitation is now absurdly easy remotely with various forms of [social media](networks-social.md) and messaging, but courts often don't factor that simplicity into it.

To that end, the [civil agreement](people-contracts.md) aspect of the system means most men should have a prenuptial agreement to protect themselves, at least with respect to custody as well as a limit on alimony.

- While many people give [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) over this because they don't expect the marriage to fail, the [power](power.md) balance is so heavily stacked against men that it's the only way to make the relationship equal again.
- Further, it serves to keep men safe, since a woman who refuses to sign a prenuptial agreement may have been planning for an eventual divorce anyway.

## Marriage is an investment

Marriage is investing your entire life into another imperfect person, which can build a [meaningful](meaning.md) experience if you're both willing to work through it, but it requires a *lot* of [work](success-4_routine.md) and [hardship](hardship.md).

Healthy marriages require setting aside room for another person, then removing all agendas, expectations, and desire for control.

When done right, married people are significantly happier than their single peers, but aren't as close to *other* friends as much as singles.

Like any investment, it's possible to over-invest and lose parts of your own [personal growth](success-6_humility.md).

Unlike other things like possessions and material success, everyone wants a happy marriage even *after* they've attained it, and that persistent happiness extends to [children](parenting-babies.md).