# How to hunt for a date

To avoid wasting time, use a three-date limit to find a good partner:

- While it may seem brutal, it prevents developing unhealthy codependency with mentally unwell people.
- The method quickly works through potential partners:
  1. Primal Chemistry: examine whether you like how they look, sound, laugh, talk, etc.
     - Ask probing questions about their lifestyle:
       - What they do for work and why
       - Who their best friend is and why
       - What they do for fun and why
       - Explicitly ask them if they want a committed relationship (irrespective of whether it's with you) and they should say "yes"
     - To avoid [bias](mind-bias.md) from falling in love, look for *anything* that might be even slightly annoying.
  2. Personal Chemistry: look for their goals, religion, beliefs, philosophy, etc.
     - Don't focus on intellectual, high-level things as much as personal things.
     - You're checking to see if they're even *capable* of personal conversation or sharing [emotions](mind-feelings.md).
       - If not, they may be heavily avoidant and overly intellectual, meaning they will be terrible with [hardship](hardship.md) later.
  3. Attachment Chemistry: Talk about real things that are actually a problem.
     - Give them a problem and see how they respond to it.
       - Tell the truth as fast as possible to avoid wasting time.
     - Be intentionally vulnerable and challenge them to reveal themselves as well.
     - At this point, you should drop them [if you see any red flags](relationships-dating-warning.md).
       - If they promise to do something later about one of their failings, that is a *very* bad sign.
- These three dates also give tremendous context for the coming 6 months.
  - You can hold them accountable about what they were aspiring toward, what they promised, and who they are.
- Keep asking questions about them as you get to know them, which gives you information about whether they're a good fit for [marriage](relationships-marriage.md).

## Signs of interest

To get a baseline, pay close attention to how that person responds to *other* people of your gender and social status.

Universal cues:

- When meeting, eyebrows rise and then come back down after a second.
- More focus on the other person than normal (e.g., eye contact, facing them).
  - Naturally, this means they're *not* interested when they're giving less focus on the other person.
- Slightly longer and more focused eye contact than normal.
  - Pupils will dilate 45% larger while looking at someone they're interested in.
  - While typical staring is 4.5 seconds, people who are interested average 8.2 seconds.
  - More time looking at the other person's lips.
- Body language mirrors the other person.
  - Watch if they follow when you change position or yawn after you.
  - Facing their body more toward that person.
- Genuine smiles that crinkle the eyes.
- Laughing frequently with you, even if you weren't that funny.
- In a group, when everyone's attention moves to another person, they keep attention on that first person.

Male-specific cues:

- Any gesture that gives the appearance of being larger.
  - Slightly flared nostrils, lips sometimes slightly parted.
  - Legs spread shoulder-width apart.
  - Stretching, wide arm gestures.
  - Chest pushed out and stomach pulled in.
  - Hands at sides or with thumbs tucked into pockets.
- Head tilted slightly to one side.
- Adjusting collars, sleeves, or socks.
- Smoothing hair.

Female-specific cues:

- Generally, much more subtle than men's actions.
- Any gesture to appear more alluring.
  - Sits with one leg pressed on top of the other with a hand on the thigh.
  - Exposes neck and wrist skin more.
  - Tosses hair, intimate gazing.
- Tries to frame a date.
  - Brings up a movie she wants to watch or place she wants to go.
  - Is always free if her target asks if she wants to do something.
  - This also means that she'll either avoid a date or suggest a group date when she's *not* interested.
- In a public place, spends at least 5 minutes talking with a guy she's interested in without making a signal to find someone else.
- She won't mention any other males in her life.
  - This means she's mentioning other males when she *doesn't* like you.
- She responds rapidly and with plenty of engagement to text messages (e.g., questions, long answers).
  - This means she's slow to respond, gives one-word answers and doesn't ask questions back when she's *not* interested.

## Hunt everywhere

Even if you're attractive and [successful](success-1_why.md), the most likely candidates for a relationship haven't met you yet, so keep meeting new people.

When dating, you're essentially "selling" yourself:

- Successful dating is a bit of both sales and marketing:
  - A complete slob won't get a date after 1,000 tries.
  - An attractive, successful person who doesn't meet new people will probably never find a mate.
- [Sales](marketing-sales.md) requires increasing the chances of an unlikely thing happening.
  - The most obvious way to improve chances is to increase your events:
    1. If you go to one new venue every week, you've visited about 50 places in a year.
    2. At each venue, it's likely you'll find 5 new people you find attractive, which is 250 people a year.
    3. 100 people will already be in a relationship.
    4. 100 of them won't find you attractive.
    5. Of the remaining 50, 20-40 won't meet your standards, and you'll find 10 possible candidates you can get to know more.
- [Marketing](marketing.md) is conveying your value at each event by improving how you appear:
  - Learn better [social](people-friends.md) and [speaking](language-speaking.md) skills.
  - Find way to at least *appear* [successful](success-1_why.md) and [happy](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
  - [Lose weight](body-diet.md) and learn to [have fun](fun.md).

Search *everywhere* for a date:

- Ask family and friends.
- Pursue group events for the things you enjoy and [find new friends](people-friends.md).
- Invite people to your home.
- Visit an official dating event or a dating website.

Dating website tips:

- In general, most dating websites are a worthless [social media](cs-networks-social.md), so focus more of your effort on in-person encounters.
- Use a good photo that captures your personality.
  - Since they're dating you and not your friends, don't use group photos.
  - Unless you're looking for a one-night stand, don't show anything sexually suggestive.
  - Pay a professional photographer to capture your best physical qualities.
- Avoid standard greetings like "hey, how are you?"
  - Bring up a shared interest right away.
  - Tell them a funny observation about their profile.
  - Generally, the more attractive they are the more people are contacting them, so stay [tactful](people-3_respect.md).
- Try to fill your profile and bio with keywords that match the things you value.

The more you think about asking someone out, the less likely you'll actually do it, so take the risk quickly and often.

## Set realistic expectations

After a few dates, you should have a prioritized list of everything you want in a partner:

- While feelings will waver, guidelines don't.
- Write out your list, and keep consulting it to keep yourself accountable.
- As you date, it's not uncommon for your standards to change when you gain increased [awareness](mind-awareness.md) of who you are and what you want.

If you let experiences unrelated to them affect your judgment, you're being irrational and unfair to them.

Nobody is perfect, so don't expect it:

- Instead, prioritize your desires to see how many of the things you want, and how important they are to you.
- No human, no matter how beautiful, attractive, or loving, [can give someone satisfaction in life](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
  - You can only love anyone as much as you love yourself.
- Respect people for who they *are*, not what they could be or what you want them to be.

To succeed through all the effort and unlikely circumstances, you *must* [find a way to persevere](success-4_routine.md) irrespective of what happens.

## If you're not finding anyone

Deeply ask yourself why you can't seem to find anyone:

- Ask friends for their sincere input.
- Maybe *you're* the one with the above-stated warning signs!
- If you feel helpless without a partner, you're in a better place than feeling helpless *with* a partner.

Are you exposing yourself to enough people?

- Learn to connect with more people and [make more friends](people-friends.md).

Are you doing something unattractive?

- Focus on first impressions.
  - For example, 80% of a woman's first impression comes from whether a man is slouching.
- [Clean and groom yourself more](people-image.md).
  - Depending on the context, either smelling nice or body odor is extremely attractive.
  - If you're male, grow facial hair.
- Learn to be more charming and [gracious](people-3_respect.md).
  - Make more direct eye contact.
  - Smile more often.
  - Find more similarities with others.
  - Sharing walking pace with others.
- Try to appear more attractive.
  - Stand tall or try to look tall.
  - [Get a pet](fun-pets.md) or play a musical instrument.
  - The most attractive color to wear is black for men and bright red for women.
  - People are often *very* attracted to someone who looks like their opposite-gender parent.

Watch for people who "friend-zone" you:

- A friend-zone is someone who doesn't share interest in you, but they still want you around.
- Women friend-zone more often than men.
- You shouldn't need to earn someone's affection, and are worth more than that.
- Avoid spending much time with them, since they're effectively using you.
  - Ask them about connecting you with one of their friends.
    - If they don't like you, they'll oblige.
    - If they like you, they'll change their mind out of jealousy.
- Sometimes you'll feel like a person is cycling between interested and disinterested.
  - They are either playing mind games or don't know what they want.