# How to get a liar to confess Liars only confess when they see a reason for it: - The liar must believe the other person knows they're lying. - Many times, silence makes them presume you know something. - Often, a liar will confess because they don't believe the listener has any power to do anything about it. ## A. Talk with the liar alone We tend to share secrets when we're alone. In a group, there's too much social pressure to fit in. Record them privately, but not for legal proof (some courts require consent for a recording to be legally admissible). ## B. Establish common ground People open up proportionally to how many things they have in common with the person they're speaking with. Once people start talking comfortably, they're usually too relaxed to stop disclosing. If you need a confession, disclose things you know from their background as if they were your opinion (e.g., political views, favorite entertainment, etc.). Professional interrogators usually lie about small-talk subjects (including decorating their office) to build rapport. ## C. Use the SOFTEN technique **Smile**: be friendly and willing to listen without judgment **Open gestures**: speak with your hands to show you're approachable **Forward-leaning**: make the conversation close and personal **Touch**: build a connection with appropriately touching hands and arms **Eyebrows raised**: raise your eyebrows while greeting and during the conversation to build connection and keep the person talking **Nod**: nodding helps a person confess by affirming they're doing the right thing, especially when they're starting to admit their actions ## D. Determine if they're lying After you find their baseline, you only need to ask a few questions and watch their responses. - To be more subtle, scatter the questions throughout the conversation. - People tend to be more confident about what they perceived than what they imagined. If the suspect made a small statement, tell them you didn't hear them and watch what they change. Repeat back the information incorrectly (e.g., dates, phone number, places) to see if they agree or change the details. There's objective evidence if someone's being honest, so don't let feelings overrule it: - They stay on the issue even when you change it. - They'll use contractions liberally (e.g., can't, won't) and won't use many time-buying mechanisms like pausing or unrelated thoughts. - If they're asked who should be responsible or is to blame, they'll generally offer someone specific. - They'll usually vouch for someone else beyond themselves. - Their reactions won't typically be disproportionately negative or angry. - When they're uncertain, they'll admit the infraction had occurred. - They'll typically call the perpetrator sick, unwell, or some other negative expression. - They'll usually deny the possibility that they considered doing it themselves. - They'll typically give an appropriate punishment for the infraction. - They're often confident they'll be exonerated. - They don't blame a victim for the wrongdoing. - They'll usually reject the idea of a second chance for the guilty. - They'll have no fears in a test to prove the accuser right. - They'll immediately deny any implication. - Occasionally, they might be mentally unwell enough to believe their view of reality is more correct than evidence. ## E. Convince them you know the truth Never ask if they're telling the truth. - Everyone will say yes, but an innocent person will be offended. Once you have a rapport, the liar must believe 3 things: 1. You know the truth. 2. You understand why they did what they did. 3. They will benefit more from telling the truth than continuing the lie. The person is probably already defensive and made up a story. To undo their alibi, let the person keep talking. When possible, claim you have any of the following: - Eyewitnesses, since the person can't be entirely sure they were unseen - Cameras, which could have recorded them from anywhere - Cell phone records, which can operate as a GPS even without GPS capability and can also track phone calls with times/dates - Trace human residue we leave everywhere, such as our unique cocktail of oils and elements - Paper trails through records of all varieties - Gigantic file folders with lots of information that imply lots of evidence - Anything else that comes to mind that would look like it would implicate them ## F. Confront the liar Confrontations serve several purposes: 1. Confirm the person is lying. 2. Convince them there's enough evidence of their guilt to act, and that they have no reason to keep lying. 3. Provide a way out for the person by showing they must merely find a way to frame and deliver the confession. Many people are uncertain about whether to confront a liar and when. - This often comes from the risks of losing a [friendship](people-friends.md) or reputation. - The liar will often want revenge against anything they lose from their confession. - Stay [legally safe](legal-safety.md) with perpetual documentation, since a confession may trigger a future [open conflict](people-conflicts.md) with them. Confidently, earnestly ask for their admission. - Intimidating or persuading them into it will never work. - The liar must feel they're resolving a problem that affects both of you. Show confidence with a physically dominant position (standing legs spread apart with them sitting) and use the "we" pronoun about the issue. - Honest people will still firmly deny, but liars will try to shrink away. ## G. Managing barriers, objections, and obstacles If they deny or redirect, stay focused. - Put up your hand like you're directing traffic. - Either get back to the point or use their statement to strengthen your case and empathize further. - Some personalities (e.g., [narcissism](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md)) are *very* good at misdirection. Honest people will stand firmly on their convictions. - If they don't move from their position, re-evaluate if your judgment of their honesty was correct. ## H. Give them a rationalization The rationalizations don't have to be accurate or right, just reasonable for what the liar would do. Some theme examples: - Blame the victim (including yourself as the victim) - Blaming stress - Accusing a friend or accomplice - Any combination of anything that excuses their behavior ## I. Persuade them You're trying to "sell" them to confess. - The liar will catch on if you aren't cautious about how much you use them. Typical persuasion tactics: - Project authority with a powerful and confident composure. - Give them "free" information in confidence to provoke them to give back. - Create a shortage by giving a "limited time opportunity" to come clean. - Find more common ground. - Get them to trust you on one thing to provoke them to trust you elsewhere. Get them to conform to you: 1. Get the liar talking, then keep them talking - they will divulge more without realizing it. 2. Make them admit to a small offense first - people are more willing to admit a large guilt after a small one than admitting from nothing. 3. Accuse the liar of something worse than you suspect they did - by comparison, they'll naturally deny the larger offense and admit the smaller one. 4. Ask for anything else (aka "By The Way Syndrome") - with a little more prodding, the person will fill in *all* the information. ## J. Observe when your techniques are working A person who feels cornered will demonstrate the "surrender" position: head bowed and leaned forward with loose arms. With enough time, every liar will eventually break, but most honest people will become more resolute. ## K. The diverging question The person in the surrender position will reach a point where they must choose to confess to alleviate the stress or keep feeling stress from maintaining the lie. The liar must be at their greatest uncertainty, which comes through placing pressure on them over time. The liar must know that the stress won't stop until *you're* comfortable with *their* answers. Once the liar confesses to the divergent question, they'll submit to all further questioning.