# How to handle disagreements

When you disagree with someone, mind a few realities:

- When people are [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md) or [afraid](mind-feelings-fear.md), they're 20-40 IQ points dumber than normal.
- You can only change yourself.
- You can only [influence](power-influence.md) others if they let you.
- If someone doesn't want to believe something, their mind will only change with proof.
- Every human, yourself included, believes certain things without proof.
  - Be [open to criticism](success-5_persevering.md), even when it's uncomfortable.

Most innocent conflicts have a few particular, silly causes:

- Different definitions of the same word or phrase.
- Solutions to issues that someone else sees as backward or incomplete.
- Expectations about others' behavior which assume malicious intent.

## Focusing on the issue

When you disagree, have a goal in mind:

- There are at least two sides to every disagreement, as well as a straightforward "third option" that nobody has talked about yet.
- Every single person has exclusive awareness of at least some facts, including some facts *you're* not aware of.
- Don't take anyone's behavior personally: since it's likely [habitual](habits.md), their hateful, rude, or unkind behavior toward you is more like a mental disease they can't control.

Give clear, specific feedback on problems you observe:

1. Approach them with the problem when they're calm and undistracted.
   - If you don't approach them, they'll have no motivation to change their behavior.
2. Start by stating the situation where their action happened.
3. Describe an exact example of what they did (preferably better than they could describe it themselves), along with the most positive explanations for those things.
4. Explain the impact their actions had on others.
5. If they refuse to admit it, give at least two more clear examples with explanations and consequences.
6. If you want, ask their intention for those actions, but don't respond to their emotions.
7. If relevant, tell them the consequences you see if they keep doing what they've done, as well as what you want.
8. Encourage that they carefully consider the matter, then leave it alone.

Work *very* hard to find "shared facts":

- You'll often need quite a bit of [awareness](awareness.md) about the situation and how others might be thinking, as well as what you certainly *don't* know.
- However, if you're aware of what drives a disagreement, you can effectively deflect or defuse *any* conflict, or at the very least mitigate its risks.

Everyone [disagrees on a hierarchy](http://paulgraham.com/disagree.html):

1. Refuting the other person's central point(s) ("You're saying this idea, but this idea doesn't work because...").
2. Pointing out the other person's error by quoting them ("You said 'that idea', but that's incorrect because...").
3. Contradicting the other person, then supporting it with evidence or reasoning ("The opposite of that idea is true because...").
4. Contradicting the other person without sufficiently supporting it ("You're wrong.").
5. Criticizing that person's tone without addressing their points ("You said you feel your idea is valid, but I trust fact and not feelings.").
6. Attacking the person's characteristics or authority without addressing their points ("You have no right to say that").
7. Calling the person names or using insults without presenting a counterargument ("You're an idiot.").

To gain more information and [understanding](understanding.md), behave like you're stupid.

- Only do this if you don't desire a further [friendship](people-friends.md) with this person.
  - This tactic sabotages their direct trust with you, even if it creates a more advantageous long-term solution.
- Ask dumb questions and behave as if you're confused.
  - Apologize for not quite understanding, then ask them to explain various details again.
- Frame your requests as if they just occurred to you.
- Of course, if *they* are doing it to *you*, they're trying to gather their own information.
  - If you've been [honest](people-lying.md), there really is nothing to worry about.
  - However, that behavior without justifiable cause is a trait of a [narcissist](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md), so limit your time with them.

## Convincing them

Influential people confirm what people agree with, then add new information to adapt their views:

1. Think deeply about what you believe until you fully [understand](understanding.md) it.
2. Share what causes your beliefs, but not what you believe.
3. Give the listener plenty of time to think it over.
4. Share, as your perspective, what you think ("My belief is that...")
5. Give them more time to think it over and never bring up the subject again.

If you have a strong opinion on something, use the Two-And-Done Rule:

1. Bring up or confront the issue once, with the open understanding they will probably not agree.
2. If they don't agree, let it go and wait a while (at least days or weeks)
3. When you see the issue again, bring it up a second time.
4. If they still don't agree, yield to their decision while retaining your opinion.
5. Never bring it up again.

## Escalations

Conflicts tend to escalate through stages:

1. First, everyone will start interrupting each other at the end of a sentence, even if the idea wasn't complete.
2. Then, people will start interrupting before someone can fully articulate an idea.
3. The interruptions will lead to raised voices.
4. Raised voices will lead to yelling.
5. Beyond yelling, people will start name-calling and blaming.
6. After name-calling, they'll make threats proportional to their feelings (though they won't actually plan to do anything).
7. If they're sufficiently motivated and [immoral](morality.md), they'll perform direct deviant behavior, which will either express as physical aggression or plotting revenge.

However, if people are restrained, they will skip over some of the escalation stages.

- [Narcissists](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md) will typically skip over yelling.
- Criminally-minded people will often move straight to deviant behavior.

The only way to slow this escalation is to speak gently and slowly.

- This doesn't stop it, though, and only stops escalating through the other person feeling they've been understood and are safe.
- Since de-escalation is also their responsibility, it's wisest to give time to cool off, but will only improves relations if it's done before the interruptions have become yelling.
  - Alternately, if any de-escalations don't improve relations, that person may be a [narcissist](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md)

### Avoid escalations

Conflicts create trouble through stages of escalation:

1. Tension - the conflict isn't voiced yet, and often not even recognized as a conflict.
2. Debate - an effort by each side to convince the other, often with black-and-white thinking, but mostly based on facts.
3. Actions replacing words - There are no more discussions, and each side take actions regarding their stance, and empathy goes down.
   - Up to this point, facilitation can bring everyone back into agreement.
4. Coalitions - The parties are looking for supporters, and the original issue no longer matters compared to winning.
5. Loss of face - Opponents are defamed, which can include exaggerations and lies.
6. Threats - The parties try to regain control with implied promises.
   - Up to this point, mediation can halt any further damage.
7. Limited destruction - The opponents are no longer seen as human, and losses are acceptable if the other person loses more.
8. Annihilation - The opponents are now worth destroying by any means possible.
9. Abyss - Even complete self-destruction is acceptable as long as their opponents also suffer.
   - When someone wishes to destroy their opponent, forcible intervention is the only available option.

Defuse someone very angry at you or screaming:

1. Stay calmer than they are, and never let yourself lose control of your tone.
2. If they don't calm themselves on their own, deliver a warning with consequences that'll give them time to calm down (e.g., walking out the door and coming back in an hour), and carry it out if they don't.
3. Once they've calmed themselves (which may be after a while), acknowledge their feeling, and add an anecdote if you can empathize with their situation.
4. If you're at all responsible, offer an apology for any portion you have done wrong.
5. If you have control over any part of it, promise you'll do what you can to improve things (but only if you expect to).

If it gets heated, go to separate rooms or outside, with indication that you can both come back when you're ready:

- Do *not* leave the premises.
  - If you must leave the premises, make sure you validate your relationship with them and indicate you'll be back and where you're going, and keep your phone with you.
- When you're calm, return to the designated room, and say nothing or gently ask if they're ready to talk.
- Talk it out again, but keep each person's ideas to a five minute limit.
- If it gets heated again, leave again and repeat the same procedure.
- Quickly and meaningfully say you're sorry, but *only* if you mean it.

If you legitimately hurt others, apologize sincerely and quickly:

- Apologizing requires vulnerability and sincerity:
  1. A specific statement of what you did.
  2. Recognizing everything you're specifically responsible for.
  3. Acknowledging any pain or embarrassment you caused.
  4. Acknowledging any wrongdoing you've done.
  5. Expressing regret over what you had done.
  6. Communicating future intentions to not do it again.
- Speak plainly and don't sidestep the matter:
  - "I was wrong."
  - "That was unkind of me."
  - "I was disrespectful."
  - "I gave you no dignity, and am deeply sorry."
- Only apologize from [inner strength](success-6_humility.md), not because you feel you must.
- There are six major portions of a complete apology, which you may or may not want to express:
  1. Express regret for what you have done.
  2. Explain precisely what went wrong.
  3. Accept responsibility for what you did.
  4. Declare your repentance to them and desire to change.
  5. Offer to repair what you have broken or damaged.
  6. Requesting forgiveness for your actions.
- However, [never apologize for something you didn't do](legal-safety.md).
  - If you're careful, you can usually express heartfelt sympathy without apologizing.

## Setting boundaries for yourself

Watch for [dysregulation](awareness-dysregulation.md)in yourself:

- We can often become unaware of our own feelings, but still act in a way we believe is completely rational.
- Over a long period, we may even normalize irrational behavior.
- Learn to stay fully [self-aware](awareness.md) of your feelings, even in the middle of a conflict.
  - They are often behaving on the precedent of their childhood backgrounds.
- If you see someone else in a dysregulated state, maintain *extremely* consistent boundaries to prevent their misbehavior from harming you.

Never say "no" more than once: state [healthy boundaries](people-respect.md) the first time, then enforce them if someone tests it again.

If you feel [your rights](people-boundaries-why.md) are being violated, take personal responsibility that *you* put yourself in that situation:

- If you focus more on the person who violated your rights, you're keeping yourself open to that event repeating itself with someone else.

If you're in an argument with someone publicly and it's a waste of time, either terminate the conversation or focus your statements solely toward the *audience* of the argument.

Every encounter has a possibility for [negotiation](people-conflicts-negotiation.md) as the situation changes, even including [a large-scale war](people-conflicts-war-why.md).

- Since people and circumstances change, never permit the door to be entirely shut.
- Beyond the opportunities it can open up, you are taking the [moral high ground](morality.md).