# How to handle disagreements

When you disagree with someone, mind a few realities:

- When people are [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md) or [afraid](mind-feelings-fear.md), they're 20-40 IQ points dumber than normal.
- You can only change yourself.
- You can only [influence](power-influence.md) others if they let you.
- If someone doesn't want to believe something, their mind will only change with proof.
- Every human, yourself included, believes certain things without proof.

Most innocent conflicts have a few particular, silly causes:

- Different definitions of the same word or phrase.
- Solutions to issues that someone else sees as backward or incomplete.
- Expectations about others' behavior which assume malicious intent.

Conflicts tend to escalate through stages:

1. First, everyone will start interrupting each other at the end of a sentence, even if the idea wasn't complete.
2. Then, people will start interrupting before someone can fully articulate an idea.
3. The interruptions will lead to raised voices.
4. Raised voices will lead to yelling.
5. Beyond yelling, people will start name-calling and blaming, though they may jump ahead to it without yelling.
6. After name-calling, they'll make threats proportional to their feelings (though they won't actually meditate doing anything).
7. If they're sufficiently motivated, they'll perform direct deviant behavior, which will either express as physical aggression or plotting revenge.

The only way to slow this escalation is to speak gently and slowly.

- This doesn't stop it, though, and only stops escalating through the other person feeling they've been understood.
- The only other solution is to give time to cool off, but it only works to improve relations if it's done before the interruptions have become yelling.

Work *very* hard to find "shared facts":

- You'll often need quite a bit of [awareness](awareness.md) about the situation and how others might be thinking, as well as what you certainly *don't* know.
- However, if you're aware of what drives a disagreement, you can effectively deflect or defuse *any* conflict, or at the very least mitigate its risks.

Give clear, specific feedback on problems:

1. Approach them with the problem when they're calm and undistracted.
   - If you don't approach them, they'll have no motivation to change their behavior.
2. Start by stating the situation where their action happened.
3. Describe an exact example of what they did (preferably better than they could describe it themselves), along with the most positive explanations for those things.
4. Explain the impact their actions had on others.
5. If they refuse to admit it, give at least two more clear examples with explanations and consequences.
6. If you want, ask their intention for those actions, but don't respond to their emotions.
7. If relevant, tell them the consequences you see if they keep doing what they've done, as well as what you want.
8. Encourage that they carefully consider the matter, then leave it alone.

Everyone [disagrees on a hierarchy](http://paulgraham.com/disagree.html):

1. Refuting the other person's central point(s) ("You're saying this idea, but this idea doesn't work because...").
2. Pointing out the other person's error by quoting them ("You said 'that idea', but that's incorrect because...").
3. Contradicting the other person, then supporting it with evidence or reasoning ("The opposite of that idea is true because...").
4. Contradicting the other person without sufficiently supporting it ("You're wrong.").
5. Criticizing that person's tone without addressing their points ("You said you feel your idea is valid, but I trust fact and not feelings.").
6. Attacking the person's characteristics or authority without addressing their points ("You have no right to say that").
7. Calling the person names or using insults without presenting a counterargument ("You're an idiot.").

When you disagree, have a goal in mind:

- There are at least two sides to every disagreement, as well as a straightforward "third option" that nobody has talked about yet.
- Every single person has exclusive awareness of at least some facts, including some facts *you're* not aware of.
- Don't take anyone's behavior personally: since it's likely [habitual](habits.md), their hateful, rude, or unkind behavior toward you is more like a mental disease they can't control.

- If you're in an argument with someone publicly, and it's a waste of time, either find a way to terminate the conversation or focus your statements to resonate with the *audience* of your argument instead.

Influential people confirm what people agree with, then add new information to adapt others' views:

1. Think deeply about what you believe until you fully [understand](understanding.md) it.
2. Share what causes your beliefs, but not what you believe.
3. Give the listener plenty of time to think it over.
4. Share, as your perspective, what you think ("My belief is that...")
5. Give them more time to think it over and never bring up the subject again.

If you have a strong opinion on something, use the Two-And-Done Rule:

1. Bring up or confront the issue once, with the open understanding they will probably not agree.
2. If they don't agree, let it go and wait a while (at least days or weeks)
3. When you see the issue again, bring it up a second time.
4. If they still don't agree, yield to their decision while retaining your opinion.
5. Never bring it up again.

Never say "no" more than once: state [healthy boundaries](people-3_respect.md) the first time, then enforce them if someone tests it again.

If you feel [your rights](people-boundaries-why.md) are being violated, take personal responsibility that *you* put yourself in that situation:

- If you focus more on the person who violated your rights, you're keeping yourself open to that event repeating itself with someone else.

Watch for [dysregulation](awareness-dysregulation.md):

- We can often become unaware of our own feelings, but still act in a way we believe is completely rational.
- Over a long period, we may even normalize irrational behavior.
- Learn to stay fully [self-aware](awareness.md) of your feelings, even in the middle of a conflict.
  - They are often behaving on the precedent of their childhood backgrounds.
- If you see someone else in a dysregulated state, maintain *extremely* consistent boundaries to prevent their misbehavior from harming you.

Irrespective of the situation, *every* encounter has a possibility for [negotiation](people-conflicts-negotiation.md), even including [a large-scale war](people-conflicts-war-why.md).

## Avoid escalations

Conflicts create trouble through stages of escalation:

1. Tension - the conflict isn't voiced yet, and often not even recognized as a conflict.
2. Debate - an effort by each side to convince the other, often with black-and-white thinking, but mostly based on facts.
3. Actions replacing words - There are no more discussions, and each side take actions regarding their stance, and empathy goes down.
   - Up to this point, facilitation can bring everyone back into agreement.
4. Coalitions - The parties are looking for supporters, and the original issue no longer matters compared to winning.
5. Loss of face - Opponents are defamed, which can include exaggerations and lies.
6. Threats - The parties try to regain control with implied promises.
   - Up to this point, mediation can halt any further damage.
7. Limited destruction - The opponents are no longer seen as human, and losses are acceptable if the other person loses more.
8. Annihilation - The opponents are now worth destroying by any means possible.
9. Abyss - Even complete self-destruction is acceptable as long as their opponents also suffer.
   - When someone wishes to destroy their opponent, forcible intervention is the only available option.

If it gets heated, go to separate rooms or outside, with indication that you can both come back when you're ready:

- Do *not* leave the premises.
  - If you must leave the premises, make sure you validate your relationship with them and indicate you'll be back and where you're going, and keep your phone with you.
- When you're calm, return to the designated room, and say nothing or gently ask if they're ready to talk.
- Talk it out again, but keep each person's ideas to a five minute limit.
- If it gets heated again, leave again and repeat the same procedure.
- Quickly and meaningfully say you're sorry, but *only* if you mean it.

If you legitimately hurt others, apologize sincerely and quickly:

- Apologizing requires vulnerability and sincerity:
  1. A specific statement of what you did.
  2. Recognizing everything you're specifically responsible for.
  3. Acknowledging any pain or embarrassment you caused.
  4. Acknowledging any wrongdoing you've done.
  5. Expressing regret over what you had done.
  6. Communicating future intentions to not do it again.
- Speak plainly and don't sidestep the matter:
  - "I was wrong."
  - "That was unkind of me."
  - "I was disrespectful."
  - "I gave you no dignity, and am deeply sorry."
- Only apologize from [inner strength](success-6_humility.md), not because you feel you must.
- There are six major portions of a complete apology, which you may or may not want to express:
  1. Express regret for what you have done.
  2. Explain precisely what went wrong.
  3. Accept responsibility for what you did.
  4. Declare your repentance to them and desire to change.
  5. Offer to repair what you have broken or damaged.
  6. Requesting forgiveness for your actions.
- However, [never apologize for something you didn't do](legal-safety.md).
  - If you're careful, you can usually express heartfelt sympathy without apologizing.