# Dealing with crucial conflicts

Some conflicts are extremely important with vast, far-reaching effects:

- Your character and integrity is heavily defined by how you handle crucial conflicts.
- Most aspects of [long-term success](success-6_humility.md) require extreme attention to when a conflict becomes crucial, as well as knowing how to handle them correctly.
- Most people who fail with crucial conflicts tend to suffer [extreme hardship](hardship.md) by others and end up in [legal trouble](legal-safety.md).

Watch for when a conflict has intensified:

- Signs of stress, unrest, or agitation.
- People start to feel unsafe.
  - Each person has their own style of self-protective toxicity, but it's usually expressed as silence or violence.
  - Silence is "flight" and removes new information from the shared dialogue.
    - Masking understates or selectively shows honest opinions, often with vagueness or sarcasm.
    - Avoiding simply changes the subject.
    - Withdrawing leaves the discussion entirely.
  - Violence is "fight" and tries to force others toward a new point of view.
    - Controlling forces views or dominates the conversation.
    - Belittling makes a broad statement, then dismisses it.
    - Attacking either using fierce belittling or makes threats.

Learn to detect when conflicts need a negotiation:

1. Someone imagines extreme consequences.
2. Opinions appear to differ.
3. Someone has strong [feelings](mind-feelings.md).

Don't treat a non-crucial conflict like it's crucial:

- Even if something isn't that severe, your feeling that it may be severe could provoke the other person into thinking something is worse than it really is.

## Observe power dynamics

Consider how much power each person wields:

- There are as many [types of power](power-types.md) as [purposes](purpose.md) that someone can accomplish.
- A stunning majority of people are mostly [unaware](awareness.md) of the power they hold.

With official authorities, temper your behavior:

- Even if it's not natural for you, [respect their position](people-3_respect.md) even if they don't deserve respect as a person.
- Always [legally document](legal-safety.md) the entire exchange to protect yourself (preferably with recordings), even if you don't use it.

A. Overpowering is trying to command the most control in the conflict:

- They're using intensity and manipulation to control the situation, often by ignoring their [boundaries](people-3_respect.md) and limits.
- The only version of reality they'll acknowledge is their own [understanding](understanding.md).
- To them, nobody else is allowed to use their power, so they'll communicate unreasonable demands without any feeling or consideration.
- They're generally indifferent to others in the conflict until they're affected by it, and won't tend to [listen](language-speaking.md) to others' feelings or thoughts.
- When they perceive opposition they'll counter, block, and divert it.
  - Often, they'll subtly or directly blame, judge, and criticize to prematurely subdue opposition.
  - Sometimes, they'll use witty sarcasm or silently withhold information.

B. Passive power is trying to gain approval from everyone:

- They won't directly ask for what they need or want.
- Usually, they're avoiding all confrontation, then when an unavoidable conflict arises they'll make inadequate demands involving their personal gain.
- Often, they refuse to bargain or negotiate what they want.
- Watch for modifiers that lessen the impact of statements (sorry, I just..., I mean...).
- At the farthest end, they destroy society by exploiting others' kindness by [deceiving](people-lying.md) people that their status is worse than it is.

C. Personal power believes in and desires mutual benefit and coexistence:

- They fully assert themselves up to the point that they aren't crossing [boundaries](people-3_respect.md).
- Their focus stays on what can change to fulfill what everyone needs.
- This attitude is an inherent risk, so it can only come from self-respect and [prior successes](success-6_humility.md).

Healthy conflicts require everyone to interpret each other at a similar amount of power:

- When someone throws around their authority, other people feel inferior and tend to submit unwillingly or rebel.

Overpowering and passive power are designed to convey an [image](people-image-why.md) of more/less power than they have:

- Most overpowering or passive power is driven by a desire to gain a power advantage, which is unfavorable to everyone else.
  - To find a Win/Win solution, you must enhance or undermine their power for them to perceive it as matching yours.
- Frequently, people will use those forms of power to then gain power from others' reactions:
  - Overpowering [scares others](mind-feelings-fear.md), which can be manipulated to make someone appear like they can harm someone else.
  - Passive power elicits pity, which can provoke others to cut back on their own needs or wants.
  - Nobody likes either, so using personal power can often create huge ripples across entire communities.

Carefully examine and manage threats:

- Whether conscious or unconscious, people make threats by exploiting loopholes and ambiguity.
- The severity of the threat comes from how much they can answer 4 questions:
  1. What can the person do, and what are they *actually* willing to do?
  2. Who will do what they're threatening?
  3. When would they be able to do it?
  4. How could they do it?
- Often, their [personality](personality.md) can also give clues: more dramatic means less ability to act.
- The inverse of threats come through shame, sometimes with [religious](religion.md) threats involved.
- The only way to shut down an idle threat is to ignore it:
  - Stay mindful of what people will *actually* do, even when they're screaming and dancing next to your face.
  - Don't relent on your [boundaries](people-3_respect.md), even if they're begging or shaming you.