# How to approach casual conflicts

In [polite company](people-rules.md), avoid confronting conflicts directly:

- If you must confront something, speak privately unless you're trying to draw public attention to it and destroy relationships.
- When discussing [politics](groups-large.md) or [religion](religion.md), approach the topics *very* carefully.
  - Once you've talked about those things, you've permanently marked yourself with whatever stereotypes people made of that group.
  - Focus political/religious discussions away from facts you perceive (which are often [biased](people-image-why.md) or could be wrong).
  - Instead, focus on personal experiences (which are harder to refute) and shared beliefs that *nobody* can disagree on (which builds rapport).
- Generally, if you're uneasy on how they'll feel about anything, ask questions more than make statements.

Try to create 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one:

- To find any [satisfaction with others, we tend to need many more good experiences to offset the bad ones.](mind-feelings-happiness.md)
[- Try to find times where interacting with them will only lead to a positive experience.](mind-feelings-happiness.md)

Show integrity and honesty:

- Honesty conforms words to reality, while integrity conforms reality to words.
- Both are difficult [habits](habits.md) if you haven't practiced them.
- Keep commitments and thoroughly apologize and explain when you can't.
- [Make people feel important](language-speaking.md).
- Clarify your expectations and address theirs.
- Demonstrate positive intent, at the beginning and throughout the experience with others.

The internet is toxic because it's very difficult to establish rapport:

- On message boards and social media, almost nobody knows anyone else.
- There's also no way to distinguish [cultural differences](people-rules.md).
- Further, most people can't pick up implications that typically come from [speaking](language-speaking.md), but often aren't good [writers](language-writing.md).

Circumvent people you don't like:

- Even if you can't stand being in the same room as them, find a redeeming quality of theirs to avoid showing any disgust.
- To leave, make a vague excuse.
- Since people usually know when others dislike them, don't directly express your distaste for them or try to earn favor to compensate.

Subtly sidestep if you make an unpopular decision (like avoiding [alcohol](fun-alcohol.md) at a [party](fun-parties.md)):

- Don't draw attention to your decision.
- Give a vague, general explanation if others bring it up.
  - They don't really care why you do it, and simply want to pressure you to do it with them.
- If they keep pressing, lighten the conversation with [humor](humor.md) and redirect it.

Manage others' insults gracefully:

- Don't react to the insult.
  - If they're correct, you have something to change, and should learn more [self-awareness](awareness.md), and even more if they're a stranger.
  - If they're incorrect, they obviously don't know who you are, so have no authority to speak about it.
  - When you respect the person who insulted you, take the experience as an opportunity to [grow](success-2_attitude.md).
  - If you *don't* respect the person who insulted you, consider that a relief: you're not the right kind of person for them to respect.
- You can only respond to an insult in a few specific ways:
  1. Insult back, which tends to go nowhere and can make you look petty.
  2. Make a clever comeback (e.g., reframing their intended insult as a *good* thing).
  3. Defuse the remark with some self-aware humor (which is sometimes *really* hard to do).
  4. Find a way to take revenge later, which is [usually a waste of your time](success-2_attitude.md) and will [destroy your happiness further](mind-feelings-happiness-connect.md).
  5. Pretend it didn't happen.
- People usually don't mean insult, and often are simply not honoring [social rules](people-rules.md) they hadn't learned.
  - Treat insults like a barking dog: something to note, but not necessarily important or personal.
- If someone *chronically* insults you, avoid that person if at all possible.
- Don't intervene against insults of people around you, since you'll likely make those people more hypersensitive to them and will potentially offend everyone.

## Manage rumors

Resist the impulse to learn rumors people have made about you.

If someone *is* spreading a rumor about you:

- In public, stay nearby to prevent them from spreading more rumors.
- Calmly let them know what you overheard without pressuring them to explain.
- If there's any truth to a rumor, own those truths immediately and publicly to avoid others hearing embellished versions of the story.

Try to subdue rumors about others:

- Don't repeat the rumor to anyone, though you may want to inform the victim or ask for clarification.
- Change the subject to stop the gossip.
- Ask the person sharing if the victim knows about it and is fine with you knowing.
- If the rumor is false, publicly point out how it can't be true.

If someone is sharing something you wanted to keep private:

1. Consider why they let the secret slip.
2. If they're telling another person involved with the problem, don't blame them since that person needed to know anyway.
3. Since it's public, get ahead of the secret by telling everyone who may know next.
4. [Forgive them](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) and move on after you've confronted them about it and seen their attitude.

## Approach others' failings correctly

Beforehand, acknowledge that you don't want to hurt them with what you're about to say.

Consistently praise whenever you see someone's behavior improve.

Pass off minor slights without comment.

If someone else has behaved inappropriately, make a "request sandwich":

1. Before you say anything, they must be willing to hear correction, and it must be private with their full attention.
2. Give them a heartfelt affirmation.
3. Make the request or direction as constructively and indirectly as possible.
   - Share your view with "I" statements.
   - Use a story, share a similar personal failing, or frame it as a question.
   - Be very specific, since vaguely expressed issues can often sound worse than the issue itself.
   - People will usually know what you're alluding to, so don't repeat yourself if they understand.
4. Wrap it up with another kind statement or affirmation.
5. If they keep doing it, promptly reference the prior conversation with them, but otherwise forget about it and move on.

At all costs, avoid the "you" pronoun and rebuild the sentence to use "we", "there appears to be", and "I".

When they may even *remotely* disagree, speak without certainty (e.g., "It appears that..." instead of "You are...").

Don't judge prematurely:

- People may simply not understand that they're behaving rudely.
- Most of the time, people have a [past childhood](parenting-children.md) that failed to prepare them for adult life.
- Sometimes, people have mental disorders that make them completely incapable of understanding how they're hurting anyone.
- If you're in any position of authority (e.g., [parent](parenting-children.md), [manager](mgmt-1_why.md)), be even *slower* to judge than normal, since plenty of consequences could sit on your judgments.

If you know someone is lying to you:

1. Make absolutely certain you're [reading them](people-lying.md) correctly.
2. Hint at what you know.
3. Suggest you don't believe them.
4. If you must have a confession, directly confront them, but you're risking your relationship with them in the process.

After the dialogue, openly ask how your statement came across.

## Direct the flow of information

If, for whatever reason, you can't hear someone after they've repeated themselves:

- Thank them for their patience and restate what you heard.
- If you'll unlikely hear them again clearly enough, suggest a more audible time in the future or to write to each other.

When people ask probing questions you don't want to answer:

- While they come across as pushy, people often speak in a way they imagine is fine in a discussion.
- Ask *their* opinion on the matter, then give them information that changes their initial judgment.
- If you *really* don't want to answer or believe they're interrogating, communicate a statement about it, then repeat that exact same statement if they circle around to that question later.

When someone is sharing too much personal information:

- They want a connection and don't realize they're alienating themselves.
- Immediately say one of the following:
  - "I'm probably not the person to tell this to."
  - "Whoa, TMI!"
  - "Let's not talk about this, someone might hear you."
  - "It hurts me to hear this, let's talk about something else."
- If the person continues to over-share, use a more casual and engaging environment like going to a movie.

If someone is talking incessantly or loudly:

1. Lean forward and assume a calm and patient demeanor.
   - People keep talking because they don't feel they've adequately expressed themselves.
2. Shift the tone of the conversation.
   - Tell an appropriate joke about what they're talking about.
   - Look contemplative and say "hmmm" to stop them for a few seconds.
   - In your response, speak more quietly or calmly than them.
3. Redirect the conversation to something else.

If someone is barely speaking:

- Commenting on their how quiet they are or making general [small talk](language-speaking.md) will make them quieter.
- Ask about them or talk about something you know they like.
- Instead of trying to continually fill the silence, use it for contemplation.

When you must share bad news:

1. Since there's a lead time between people hearing information and accepting it, tell them as early as possible to allow them more time to accept it.
2. Express empathy about how you expect they'll feel about the news.
3. Add a modifier to pace them for it (e.g., "I don't want to have to tell you this, but...").
4. Say it plainly.
5. Let silence persist for them to take the news.
6. If you want to share a positive benefit, diminish it first (e.g., "There is one small benefit to it..."), but *only* if you're not responsible for the new circumstance.
7. If you have [ideas](mind-creativity.md) that may help them, inform them that you have them, then leave them alone to talk about it at least a day later.

If you're starting to feel any unpleasant emotions, say something to give yourself space (e.g., "I need a few seconds to process this"), then take some time to calm down.

## Say "no" politely

While it's critical to say "no" to others, stating it harshly will always lose *much* more reputation with others than graciously expressing it.

Try to acknowledge others' statements, but respond with "yes, and..." more than "no":

1. "Unfortunately, I have too much to do today. I can help you another time."
2. "I'm flattered by your offer, but no thank you."
3. "That sounds fun, but I have a lot going on at home."
4. "I'm not comfortable doing that task. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
5. "It's not a good time for me, but I'll let you know if my schedule frees up."
6. "I'm not comfortable discussing that with people who aren't part of my inner circle."
7. "I need time to process that before I can give you a response."
8. " Sorry, I have already committed to something else. I hope you understand."
9. "I need some time right now to recharge, so I won't be able to go tonight."
10. "No, I won't be able to fit that into my schedule this week."
11. "I would love to join you, but I'm a little overwhelmed with work right now."
12. "I'm not taking on any other work right now. Maybe check with another department?"
13. "Thank you for thinking of me, but I don't wish to accept your offer."
14. "Sadly, I can't help with that. I'm not qualified for that type of work."
15. "The timing right now isn't good. Can you keep me in mind for next time?
16. "How about you try it on your own first, and then I can help you?"
17. "I know this isn't the answer you wanted, but I can't accept your offer."
18. "I enjoyed helping you last time, but I am too busy to assist you right now."
19. "Thanks, but I'm all good. I appreciate the offer."
20. "I'm not interested this time. I'm sure someone else would love the opportunity."
21. "No, sorry. I must prioritize my family right now."
22. "I've been feeling too busy lately. I will have to decline this time."
23. "I've had a negative experience with that before, so I'll have to decline."
24. "I've done that many times already. Let's give someone else a chance to try."
25. "I feel honored by you asking me this question, but I still must say 'no' this time."
26. "That's very thoughtful of you. I appreciate the offer, but I'm simply too busy with work this time."
27. "I'm not the right fit for this task. I can help you think of someone else to ask."
28. "Unfortunately, that's just not possible. It won't work out this time."
29. "That sounds so exciting, but we'll have to wait for another time."
30. "Are you sure you want me to do that? I would rather not, but I appreciate you asking."
31. "That's not the right choice for you, let's look at this one instead."
32. "I really shouldn't this time, but thank you."
33. "Let me get back to you, but I'm not confident about it working out."
34. "This task doesn't align with my own principles. Could we change what I need to do?"
35. "I told myself I wouldn't do that again. Thanks for respecting my decision."
36. "No, thank you. I would appreciate it if you accepted my choice."
37. "I know that's challenging for you, but I don't have the capacity to help you at the moment."
38. "I can't help, but I have some resources I can forward to you."
39. "Out of respect to my privacy, I hope you can understand my answer is no."
40. "I've been spending too much money lately, can I join you after our next paycheck?"
41. "I'm low on cash right now. Can we do something that's free?"
42. "I would love to help, but I have too much going on. Best of luck with your endeavors."
43. "I've actually changed my mind. I no longer can help you. Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause."
44. "Unfortunately, I cannot say 'yes' this time. I hope you can find someone who can."
45. "I don't feel comfortable with you asking me that. Can you please refrain from doing so in the future?"
46. "How about instead of me doing that, I help you with something else?"
47. "This deal doesn't feel right to me, so I'll have to decline this time."
48. "This doesn't seem like a healthy decision for me, so I must regretfully decline."
49. "Agreeing to this would go against what I believe in. Thank you for understanding that."
50. "I can't because my own team needs me."
51. "I'm afraid I can't. Let's discuss this another time."
52. "I'm going to pass this time. Perhaps we can discuss this again next month."
53. "This doesn't fall under my job description. Please refer to our manager to learn who to ask."
54. "What would you like me to stop doing in place of this?"
55. "Since this will cost more, do you still want me to do it?"
56. "I won't tolerate any form of physical aggression or violence."
57. "I won't get to this anytime soon, is that okay?"
58. "I will discuss this when I can do something about it."

If you have guests at your house and want them to leave:

1. Give verbal or nonverbal cues that you wish to be alone.
2. Mention legitimate limits like an appointment or the need to [sleep](sleep.md).
3. Imply the end of the visit by asking to schedule new plans or implying you want to meet in the future.
4. Give them a parting gift to indicate you want them to leave.

When someone overstays a multi-day visit:

- Ask questions about their departure to imply they must leave soon.
- Take them out to a farewell drink or meal to mark their leaving.
- Request another friend or family member to meet on a day you want the guest to leave by, then communicate the situation to the guest.

If someone isn't respecting your privacy:

- They feel insecure and distrustful, and insist on open discussion.
- Ask what they were hoping to discover to clear up any issues.
- Give them the information they need to make decisions, but don't be afraid to say "I'm not comfortable sharing that right now."

If someone else drags you into their conflict:

- Speak neutrally with everyone else around.
- Since it's not your conflict, avoid jumping into it.
- Speak honestly with everyone involved about the difficult situation you're in.
- If you *do* want to be involved, only lean into what you know to be true, and not based on your reputation with anyone.

When others ask for a favor you don't want to give:

1. Say "no", since there's no way around it.
2. Relenting after saying "no" means they've manipulated you, so stand firm.

If someone is selling something to you:

- Say you don't have time, then ask for followup information like a website.
- If you don't need their product, express admiration for their tenacity and ask for their business card.

If you're paying someone for a task:

- Ask them what they think is a reasonable price, then give that rate if they've already been honest.
- Only haggle with them if you know for certain they're [lying](people-lying.md) and you don't care about a relationship with them.

If someone is romantically attracted to you and you don't feel the same:

- Be honest about your feelings.
- Tell them you don't want to take the relationship further, but avoid details.
- Avoid vague words that might give them false hope that you may change your mind.

When others ask you to review their work and you don't want to:

- We usually don't want to review others' work because we know they'll treat the review as if it's about *them* instead of their work.
- If they ask for brutal honesty, they likely aren't ready for it.
- To avoid crossing boundaries, ask what specific feedback they want.

Defuse someone very angry at you or screaming:

1. Stay calmer than they are, and never let yourself lose control of your tone.
2. If they don't calm themselves on their own, deliver a warning with consequences that'll give them time to calm down (e.g., walking out the door and coming back in an hour), and carry it out if they don't.
3. Once they've calmed themselves (which may be after a while), acknowledge their feeling, and add an anecdote if you can empathize with their situation.
4. If you're at all responsible, offer an apology for any portion you have done wrong.
5. If you have control over any part of it, promise you'll do what you can to improve things (but only if you expect to).