# Various attitudes for approaching conflicts

Many factors determine the correct attitude for resolving any given conflict:

- There's a broad range of influences you must consider:
  - The conflict members' [desires](purpose.md) and their perceived desires of other people in the conflict.
  - The members' differences in [social position](power.md).
  - Members' existing relationships with other people who may be involved.
  - The people affected by the results of the [decision](people-decisions.md).
- Healthy negotiators often *shift* their attitude in the midst of a conflict based on new information.
  - Your desires will likely change once you gain more information, especially if you [care at all](people-love.md) about anyone else but yourself.

Win/Lose is pure dominance:

- It's the preferred style of selfish people and the first one anyone learns as a child.
- Win/Lose openly gives demands, but doesn't consider the effort others may have to make for them.
- For the most part, this style is delivering an all-or-nothing ultimatum.
  - It can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive.
- It's an authoritarian mentality: one individual determines everything.
- Most [traditional leadership roles](mgmt-1_why.md) are Win/Lose.
- If it's used frequently or to an extreme, it will utterly destroy [relationships](people-friends.md) because that person is asserting that other people don't matter.

Lose/Win is pure submission:

- Lose/Win considers others, but not oneself.
- The mark of Lose/Win is to gives in to the others' wishes through accommodating or submitting.
- The motivation for this style can come from multiple sources:
  - Self-preservation
  - Cowardice against an extreme Win/Lose style
  - [False belief](hardship-worthlessness.md) that it's better to lose than win.
- Lose/Win ignores self-interest, so most people will balance their Lose/Win with inappropriate Win/Lose conflicts elsewhere in their lives.

Lose/Lose:

- Lose/Lose is a desire for nobody to benefit.
- People shift to Lose/Lose when they feel they have no hope of getting what they want and resent others for it.
- People in a Lose/Lose mentality are usually unwilling to openly discuss demands.
  - The most frequent form of Lose/Lose is simply avoiding the problem altogether.
- Lose/Lose comes from anyone who doesn't see any benefit to have a conflict.
- If two Win/Lose people refuse to change, they can create a Lose/Lose situation.

Win/Win:

- Win/Win wants *everyone* to benefit.
- However, everyone must have the right attitude for it to work:
  - Open-minded to possibilities beyond the conflict.
  - Comfortable with *everyone* gaining from any agreement.
  - Belief in everyone else also wanting Win/Win.
- Win/Win requires also believing that there's enough to fulfill everyone's satisfaction.
- While it's not always possible, Win/Win is the ideal circumstance.

Win/Win or No Deal:

- Win/Win or No Deal is a more intense and far more useful variation of Win/Win.
- In practice, it's technically a Win/Lose where the only Win conditions are Win/Win.
- The attitude requires believing that if anyone loses, nobody gains, so it's incompatible with strong Win/Lose and Lose/Win attitudes.

Part Win/Part Lose:

- This tactic appears when someone considers Win/Win impossible.
- Most mediation and negotiation is Part Win/Part Lose.
- It's more a hybrid of other styles than anything else.

Interactions across attitudes has a certain type of Rock-Paper-Scissors effect:

- Give the correct attitude proportionally to *their* attitude on the subject.
  - This will pivot and change as the dialogue continues and new information unveils itself.
- If they're Win/Lose, give them Win/Win or No Deal.
  - When they refuse to budge, either give your own Win/Lose or Lose/Lose and walk away.
- If they're Lose/Win, give them Win/Win or No Deal.
  - When they refuse to budge, give a Part Win/Part Lose, but leave the dialogue open for further discussion.
  - Often, someone's Lose/Win is also a Win for themselves elsewhere, so *very* carefully [track their honesty](people-lying.md).
- When they're Lose/Lose, [affirm their feelings](people-3_respect.md) and emphasize Win/Win or No Deal.
  - If they don't move, you must resort to their Lose/Lose and assume it until they're willing to revisit it.
- When they're Win/Win, openly voice any concerns you have but give Win/Win as well.
- If they're Win/Win or No Deal, openly voice any concerns you have and give it time.
  - They'll be willing to change if they're really Win/Win or No Deal, or they're simply Win/Lose with excellent [speaking skills](language-speaking.md).
- Part Win/Part Lose means they've already conceded something, and are conflicted in themselves.
  - Tread carefully, since they're already uncomfortable with the arrangement and feel somewhat cheated of what they wanted.

Sometimes, there are *multiple* conflicts, with different styles, and it requires carefully separating out the events moment-by-moment:

- What we want often fulfills multiple needs, so we'll often react to various needs in different forms.
  - Sometimes we have [inner conflicts](people-conflicts-inner.md) where the ideas ripple around inside us, and sometimes it ripples outward.
- Use the Tit-For-Tat strategy when you don't know what that person wants: imitate whatever style back to them they did last.
- Once you *have* a baseline, however, find a consistent strategy and stick to it.
  - Often, people feel very insecure and need someone predictable to tether them.