# How to handle conflicts

Conflict requires high-stress communication:

- Every conflict requires [speaking well](language-speaking.md) and [maintaining your composure](awareness.md), which requires [managing stress](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) to avoid saying something you'll regret.
- Your [internalized subconscious trauma](hardship.md) will very often add more problems to the conflict, so [self-awareness](awareness.md) is *absolutely* critical to understand what you're feeling moment-to-moment.
- When conflicts go poorly, we suffer [tremendous misery](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) from prolonged thinking about it, as well as [anticipatory pain](hardship.md) later.

When used correctly, conflict benefits everyone involved:

- If you ask for what you want correctly, you can usually get it.
- When driven by [love](people-love.md), conflicts drive each person to understand each other more, and relationships become stronger from it (especially [marriage](relationships-3_marriage.md)).
- Open-minded participants of conflicts often become more [aware](awareness.md) of themselves and [how they may appear](image.md).
- After healthy conflicts, people are less afraid to open up further discussions about future conflicts, which strengthens [relationships](people-4_friends.md) and harmonizes their [culture](culture.md).
- Critical conflicts, handled correctly, can make or break entire [organizations](groups-large.md).

Deferring conflict magnifies it:

- All conflicts are risky, but the earliest possible moment to address it is typically the lowest-risk time to approach it.
- Stalling a conflict, even a small one, makes it worse.
  - Many conflicts require [lying](people-lying.md) to stall it.
  - Even without lying, the conflict sits as an [unresolved problem](purpose.md) interfering with [the perfect harmony we all desire](goodlife.md).
- [Close relationships](people-4_friends.md) require trust, which requires talking out conflicts.

## Casual conflicts

In [polite company](people-rules.md), avoid confronting conflicts directly:

- If you must confront something, speak privately unless you're trying to draw public attention to it and destroy relationships.
- When discussing [politics](groups-large.md) or [religion](religion.md), approach the topics *very* carefully.
  - Once you've talked about those things, you've permanently marked yourself with whatever stereotypes people made of that group.
  - Focus political/religious discussions away from facts you perceive (which are often [biased](image.md) or could be wrong).
  - Instead, focus on personal experiences (which are harder to refute) and shared beliefs that *nobody* can disagree on (which builds rapport).
- Generally, if you're uneasy on how they'll feel about anything, ask questions more than make statements.

Try to create 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one:

- To find any [satisfaction with others, we tend to need many more good experiences to offset the bad ones.](mind-feelings-happiness.md)
[- Try to find times where interacting with them will only lead to a positive experience.](mind-feelings-happiness.md)

Show integrity and honesty:

- Honesty conforms words to reality, while integrity conforms reality to words.
- Both are difficult [habits](habits.md) if you haven't practiced them.
- Keep commitments and thoroughly apologize and explain when you can't.
- [Make people feel important](language-speaking.md).
- Clarify your expectations and address theirs.
- Demonstrate positive intent, at the beginning and throughout the experience with others.

The internet is toxic because it's very difficult to establish rapport:

- On message boards and social media, almost nobody knows anyone else.
- There's also no way to distinguish [cultural differences](people-rules.md).
- Further, most people can't pick up implications that typically come from [speaking](language-speaking.md), but often aren't good [writers](language-writing.md).

Circumvent people you don't like:

- Even if you can't stand being in the same room as them, find a redeeming quality of theirs to avoid showing any disgust.
- To leave, make a vague excuse.
- Since people usually know when others dislike them, don't directly express your distaste for them or try to earn favor to compensate.

Subtly sidestep if you make an unpopular decision (like avoiding [alcohol](fun-alcohol.md) at a [party](fun-parties.md)):

- Don't draw attention to your decision.
- Give a vague, general explanation if others bring it up.
  - They don't really care why you do it, and simply want to pressure you to do it with them.
- If they keep pressing, lighten the conversation with [humor](humor.md) and redirect it.

Manage others' insults gracefully:

- Don't react to the insult.
  - If they're correct, you have something to change, and should learn more [self-awareness](awareness.md), and even more if they're a stranger.
  - If they're incorrect, they obviously don't know who you are, so have no authority to speak about it.
  - When you respect the person who insulted you, take the experience as an opportunity to [grow](success-2_attitude.md).
  - If you *don't* respect the person who insulted you, consider that a relief: you're not the right kind of person for them to respect.
- You can only respond to an insult in a few specific ways:
  1. Insult back, which tends to go nowhere and can make you look petty.
  2. Make a clever comeback (e.g., reframing their intended insult as a *good* thing).
  3. Defuse the remark with some self-aware humor (which is sometimes *really* hard to do).
  4. Find a way to take revenge later, which is [usually a waste of your time](success-2_attitude.md) and will [destroy your happiness further](mind-feelings-happiness-connect.md).
  5. Pretend it didn't happen.
- People usually don't mean insult, and often are simply not honoring [social rules](people-rules.md) they hadn't learned.
  - Treat insults like a barking dog: something to note, but not necessarily important or personal.
- If someone *chronically* insults you, avoid that person if at all possible.
- Don't intervene against insults of people around you, since you'll likely make those people more hypersensitive to them and will potentially offend everyone.

### Manage rumors

Resist the impulse to learn rumors people have made about you.

If someone *is* spreading a rumor about you:

- In public, stay nearby to prevent them from spreading more rumors.
- Calmly let them know what you overheard without pressuring them to explain.
- If there's any truth to a rumor, own those truths immediately and publicly to avoid others hearing embellished versions of the story.

Try to subdue rumors about others:

- Don't repeat the rumor to anyone, though you may want to inform the victim or ask for clarification.
- Change the subject to stop the gossip.
- Ask the person sharing if the victim knows about it and is fine with you knowing.
- If the rumor is false, publicly point out how it can't be true.

If someone is sharing something you wanted to keep private:

1. Consider why they let the secret slip.
2. If they're telling another person involved with the problem, don't blame them since that person needed to know anyway.
3. Since it's public, get ahead of the secret by telling everyone who may know next.
4. [Forgive them](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) and move on after you've confronted them about it and seen their attitude.

### Approach others' failings correctly

Beforehand, acknowledge that you don't want to hurt them with what you're about to say.

Consistently praise whenever you see someone's behavior improve.

Pass off minor slights without comment.

If someone else has behaved inappropriately, make a "request sandwich":

1. Before you say anything, they must be willing to hear correction, and it must be private with their full attention.
2. Give them a heartfelt affirmation.
3. Make the request or direction as constructively and indirectly as possible.
   - Share your view with "I" statements.
   - Use a story, share a similar personal failing, or frame it as a question.
   - Be very specific, since vaguely expressed issues can often sound worse than the issue itself.
   - People will usually know what you're alluding to, so don't repeat yourself if they understand.
4. Wrap it up with another kind statement or affirmation.
5. If they keep doing it, promptly reference the prior conversation with them, but otherwise forget about it and move on.

At all costs, avoid the "you" pronoun and rebuild the sentence to use "we", "there appears to be", and "I".

When they may even *remotely* disagree, speak without certainty (e.g., "It appears that..." instead of "You are...").

Don't judge prematurely:

- People may simply not understand that they're behaving rudely.
- Most of the time, people have a [past childhood](parenting-2_children.md) that failed to prepare them for adult life.
- Sometimes, people have mental disorders that make them completely incapable of understanding how they're hurting anyone.
- If you're in any position of authority (e.g., [parent](parenting-2_children.md), [manager](mgmt-1_why.md)), be even *slower* to judge than normal, since plenty of consequences could sit on your judgments.

If you know someone is lying to you:

1. Make absolutely certain you're [reading them](people-lying.md) correctly.
2. Hint at what you know.
3. Suggest you don't believe them.
4. If you must have a confession, directly confront them, but you're risking your relationship with them in the process.

After the dialogue, openly ask how your statement came across.

### Direct the flow of information

If, for whatever reason, you can't hear someone after they've repeated themselves:

- Thank them for their patience and restate what you heard.
- If you'll unlikely hear them again clearly enough, suggest a more audible time in the future or to write to each other.

When people ask probing questions you don't want to answer:

- While they come across as pushy, people often speak in a way they imagine is fine in a discussion.
- Ask *their* opinion on the matter, then give them information that changes their initial judgment.
- If you *really* don't want to answer or believe they're interrogating, communicate a statement about it, then repeat that exact same statement if they circle around to that question later.

When someone is sharing too much personal information:

- They want a connection and don't realize they're alienating themselves.
- Immediately say one of the following:
  - "I'm probably not the person to tell this to."
  - "Whoa, TMI!"
  - "Let's not talk about this, someone might hear you."
  - "It hurts me to hear this, let's talk about something else."
- If the person continues to over-share, use a more casual and engaging environment like going to a movie.

If someone is talking incessantly or loudly:

1. Lean forward and assume a calm and patient demeanor.
   - People keep talking because they don't feel they've adequately expressed themselves.
2. Shift the tone of the conversation.
   - Tell an appropriate joke about what they're talking about.
   - Look contemplative and say "hmmm" to stop them for a few seconds.
   - In your response, speak more quietly or calmly than them.
3. Redirect the conversation to something else.

If someone is barely speaking:

- Commenting on their how quiet they are or making general [small talk](language-speaking.md) will make them quieter.
- Ask about them or talk about something you know they like.
- Instead of trying to continually fill the silence, use it for contemplation.

When you must share bad news:

1. Since there's a lead time between people hearing information and accepting it, tell them as early as possible to allow them more time to accept it.
2. Express empathy about how you expect they'll feel about the news.
3. Add a modifier to pace them for it (e.g., "I don't want to have to tell you this, but...").
4. Say it plainly.
5. Let silence persist for them to take the news.
6. If you want to share a positive benefit, diminish it first (e.g., "There is one small benefit to it..."), but *only* if you're not responsible for the new circumstance.
7. If you have [ideas](mind-creativity.md) that may help them, inform them that you have them, then leave them alone to talk about it at least a day later.

If you're starting to feel any unpleasant emotions, say something to give yourself space (e.g., "I need a few seconds to process this"), then take some time to calm down.

### Say "no" politely

While it's critical to say "no" to others, stating it harshly will always lose *much* more reputation with others than graciously expressing it.

Try to acknowledge others' statements, but respond with "yes, and..." more than "no":

1. "Unfortunately, I have too much to do today. I can help you another time."
2. "I'm flattered by your offer, but no thank you."
3. "That sounds fun, but I have a lot going on at home."
4. "I'm not comfortable doing that task. Is there anything else I can help you with?"
5. "It's not a good time for me, but I'll let you know if my schedule frees up."
6. "I'm not comfortable discussing that with people who aren't part of my inner circle."
7. "I need time to process that before I can give you a response."
8. " Sorry, I have already committed to something else. I hope you understand."
9. "I need some time right now to recharge, so I won't be able to go tonight."
10. "No, I won't be able to fit that into my schedule this week."
11. "I would love to join you, but I'm a little overwhelmed with work right now."
12. "I'm not taking on any other work right now. Maybe check with another department?"
13. "Thank you for thinking of me, but I don't wish to accept your offer."
14. "Sadly, I can't help with that. I'm not qualified for that type of work."
15. "The timing right now isn't good. Can you keep me in mind for next time?
16. "How about you try it on your own first, and then I can help you?"
17. "I know this isn't the answer you wanted, but I can't accept your offer."
18. "I enjoyed helping you last time, but I am too busy to assist you right now."
19. "Thanks, but I'm all good. I appreciate the offer."
20. "I'm not interested this time. I'm sure someone else would love the opportunity."
21. "No, sorry. I must prioritize my family right now."
22. "I've been feeling too busy lately. I will have to decline this time."
23. "I've had a negative experience with that before, so I'll have to decline."
24. "I've done that many times already. Let's give someone else a chance to try."
25. "I feel honored by you asking me this question, but I still must say 'no' this time."
26. "That's very thoughtful of you. I appreciate the offer, but I'm simply too busy with work this time."
27. "I'm not the right fit for this task. I can help you think of someone else to ask."
28. "Unfortunately, that's just not possible. It won't work out this time."
29. "That sounds so exciting, but we'll have to wait for another time."
30. "Are you sure you want me to do that? I would rather not, but I appreciate you asking."
31. "That's not the right choice for you, let's look at this one instead."
32. "I really shouldn't this time, but thank you."
33. "Let me get back to you, but I'm not confident about it working out."
34. "This task doesn't align with my own principles. Could we change what I need to do?"
35. "I told myself I wouldn't do that again. Thanks for respecting my decision."
36. "No, thank you. I would appreciate it if you accepted my choice."
37. "I know that's challenging for you, but I don't have the capacity to help you at the moment."
38. "I can't help, but I have some resources I can forward to you."
39. "Out of respect to my privacy, I hope you can understand my answer is no."
40. "I've been spending too much money lately, can I join you after our next paycheck?"
41. "I'm low on cash right now. Can we do something that's free?"
42. "I would love to help, but I have too much going on. Best of luck with your endeavors."
43. "I've actually changed my mind. I no longer can help you. Sorry for the inconvenience this may cause."
44. "Unfortunately, I cannot say 'yes' this time. I hope you can find someone who can."
45. "I don't feel comfortable with you asking me that. Can you please refrain from doing so in the future?"
46. "How about instead of me doing that, I help you with something else?"
47. "This deal doesn't feel right to me, so I'll have to decline this time."
48. "This doesn't seem like a healthy decision for me, so I must regretfully decline."
49. "Agreeing to this would go against what I believe in. Thank you for understanding that."
50. "I can't because my own team needs me."
51. "I'm afraid I can't. Let's discuss this another time."
52. "I'm going to pass this time. Perhaps we can discuss this again next month."
53. "This doesn't fall under my job description. Please refer to our manager to learn who to ask."
54. "What would you like me to stop doing in place of this?"
55. "Since this will cost more, do you still want me to do it?"
56. "I won't tolerate any form of physical aggression or violence."
57. "I won't get to this anytime soon, is that okay?"
58. "I will discuss this when I can do something about it."

If you have guests at your house and want them to leave:

1. Give verbal or nonverbal cues that you wish to be alone.
2. Mention legitimate limits like an appointment or the need to [sleep](sleep.md).
3. Imply the end of the visit by asking to schedule new plans or implying you want to meet in the future.
4. Give them a parting gift to indicate you want them to leave.

When someone overstays a multi-day visit:

- Ask questions about their departure to imply they must leave soon.
- Take them out to a farewell drink or meal to mark their leaving.
- Request another friend or family member to meet on a day you want the guest to leave by, then communicate the situation to the guest.

If someone isn't respecting your privacy:

- They feel insecure and distrustful, and insist on open discussion.
- Ask what they were hoping to discover to clear up any issues.
- Give them the information they need to make decisions, but don't be afraid to say "I'm not comfortable sharing that right now."

If someone else drags you into their conflict:

- Speak neutrally with everyone else around.
- Since it's not your conflict, avoid jumping into it.
- Speak honestly with everyone involved about the difficult situation you're in.
- If you *do* want to be involved, only lean into what you know to be true, and not based on your reputation with anyone.

When others ask for a favor you don't want to give:

1. Say "no", since there's no way around it.
2. Relenting after saying "no" means they've manipulated you, so stand firm.

If someone is selling something to you:

- Say you don't have time, then ask for followup information like a website.
- If you don't need their product, express admiration for their tenacity and ask for their business card.

If you're paying someone for a task:

- Ask them what they think is a reasonable price, then give that rate if they've already been honest.
- Only haggle with them if you know for certain they're [lying](people-lying.md) and you don't care about a relationship with them.

If someone is romantically attracted to you and you don't feel the same:

- Be honest about your feelings.
- Tell them you don't want to take the relationship further, but avoid details.
- Avoid vague words that might give them false hope that you may change your mind.

When others ask you to review their work and you don't want to:

- We usually don't want to review others' work because we know they'll treat the review as if it's about *them* instead of their work.
- If they ask for brutal honesty, they likely aren't ready for it.
- To avoid crossing boundaries, ask what specific feedback they want.

Defuse someone very angry at you or screaming:

1. Stay calmer than they are, and never let yourself lose control of your tone.
2. If they don't calm themselves on their own, deliver a warning with consequences that'll give them time to calm down (e.g., walking out the door and coming back in an hour), and carry it out if they don't.
3. Once they've calmed themselves (which may be after a while), acknowledge their feeling, and add an anecdote if you can empathize with their situation.
4. If you're at all responsible, offer an apology for any portion you have done wrong.
5. If you have control over any part of it, promise you'll do what you can to improve things (but only if you expect to).

## Conflict attitudes

Many factors determine the correct attitude for resolving any given conflict:

- There's a broad range of influences you must consider:
  - The conflict members' [desires](purpose.md) and their perceived desires of other people in the conflict.
  - The members' differences in [social position](power.md).
  - Members' existing relationships with other people who may be involved.
  - The people affected by the results of the [decision](decisions.md).
- Healthy negotiators often *shift* their attitude in the midst of a conflict based on new information.
  - Your desires will likely change once you gain more information, especially if you [care at all](people-love.md) about anyone else but yourself.

Win/Lose is pure dominance:

- It's the preferred style of selfish people and the first one anyone learns as a child.
- Win/Lose openly gives demands, but doesn't consider the effort others may have to make for them.
- For the most part, this style is delivering an all-or-nothing ultimatum.
  - It can either be aggressive or passive-aggressive.
- It's an authoritarian mentality: one individual determines everything.
- Most [traditional leadership roles](mgmt-1_why.md) are Win/Lose.
- If it's used frequently or to an extreme, it will utterly destroy [relationships](people-4_friends.md) because that person is asserting that other people don't matter.

Lose/Win is pure submission:

- Lose/Win considers others, but not oneself.
- The mark of Lose/Win is to gives in to the others' wishes through accommodating or submitting.
- The motivation for this style can come from multiple sources:
  - Self-preservation
  - Cowardice against an extreme Win/Lose style
  - [False belief](hardship-worthlessness.md) that it's better to lose than win.
- Lose/Win ignores self-interest, so most people will balance their Lose/Win with inappropriate Win/Lose conflicts elsewhere in their lives.

Lose/Lose:

- Lose/Lose is a desire for nobody to benefit.
- People shift to Lose/Lose when they feel they have no hope of getting what they want and resent others for it.
- People in a Lose/Lose mentality are usually unwilling to openly discuss demands.
  - The most frequent form of Lose/Lose is simply avoiding the problem altogether.
- Lose/Lose comes from anyone who doesn't see any benefit to have a conflict.
- If two Win/Lose people refuse to change, they can create a Lose/Lose situation.

Win/Win:

- Win/Win wants *everyone* to benefit.
- However, everyone must have the right attitude for it to work:
  - Open-minded to possibilities beyond the conflict.
  - Comfortable with *everyone* gaining from any agreement.
  - Belief in everyone else also wanting Win/Win.
- Win/Win requires also believing that there's enough to fulfill everyone's satisfaction.
- While it's not always possible, Win/Win is the ideal circumstance.

Win/Win or No Deal:

- Win/Win or No Deal is a more intense and far more useful variation of Win/Win.
- In practice, it's technically a Win/Lose where the only Win conditions are Win/Win.
- The attitude requires believing that if anyone loses, nobody gains, so it's incompatible with strong Win/Lose and Lose/Win attitudes.

Part Win/Part Lose:

- This tactic appears when someone considers Win/Win impossible.
- Most mediation and negotiation is Part Win/Part Lose.
- It's more a hybrid of other styles than anything else.

Interactions across attitudes has a certain type of Rock-Paper-Scissors effect:

- Give the correct attitude proportionally to *their* attitude on the subject.
  - This will pivot and change as the dialogue continues and new information unveils itself.
- If they're Win/Lose, give them Win/Win or No Deal.
  - When they refuse to budge, either give your own Win/Lose or Lose/Lose and walk away.
- If they're Lose/Win, give them Win/Win or No Deal.
  - When they refuse to budge, give a Part Win/Part Lose, but leave the dialogue open for further discussion.
  - Often, someone's Lose/Win is also a Win for themselves elsewhere, so *very* carefully [track their honesty](people-lying.md).
- When they're Lose/Lose, [affirm their feelings](people-3_respect.md) and emphasize Win/Win or No Deal.
  - If they don't move, you must resort to their Lose/Lose and assume it until they're willing to revisit it.
- When they're Win/Win, openly voice any concerns you have but give Win/Win as well.
- If they're Win/Win or No Deal, openly voice any concerns you have and give it time.
  - They'll be willing to change if they're really Win/Win or No Deal, or they're simply Win/Lose with excellent [speaking skills](language-speaking.md).
- Part Win/Part Lose means they've already conceded something, and are conflicted in themselves.
  - Tread carefully, since they're already uncomfortable with the arrangement and feel somewhat cheated of what they wanted.

Sometimes, there are *multiple* conflicts, with different styles, and it requires carefully separating out the events moment-by-moment:

- What we want often fulfills multiple needs, so we'll often react to various needs in different forms.
  - Sometimes we have [inner conflicts](conflicts-inner.md) where the ideas ripple around inside us, and sometimes it ripples outward.
- Use the Tit-For-Tat strategy when you don't know what that person wants: imitate whatever style back to them they did last.
- Once you *have* a baseline, however, find a consistent strategy and stick to it.
  - Often, people feel very insecure and need someone predictable to tether them.

## Disagreements

When you disagree with someone, mind a few realities:

- When people are [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md) or [afraid](mind-feelings-fear.md), they're 20-40 IQ points dumber than normal.
- You can only change yourself.
- You can only [influence](power-influence.md) others if they let you.
- If someone doesn't want to believe something, their mind will only change with proof.
- Every human, yourself included, believes certain things without proof.

Most innocent conflicts have a few particular, silly causes:

- Different definitions of the same word or phrase.
- Solutions to issues that someone else sees as backward or incomplete.
- Expectations about others' behavior which assume malicious intent.

Conflicts tend to escalate through stages:

1. First, everyone will start interrupting each other at the end of a sentence, even if the idea wasn't complete.
2. Then, people will start interrupting before someone can fully articulate an idea.
3. The interruptions will lead to raised voices.
4. Raised voices will lead to yelling.
5. Beyond yelling, people will start name-calling and blaming, though they may jump ahead to it without yelling.
6. After name-calling, they'll make threats proportional to their feelings (though they won't actually meditate doing anything).
7. If they're sufficiently motivated, they'll perform direct deviant behavior, which will either express as physical aggression or plotting revenge.

The only way to slow this escalation is to speak gently and slowly.

- This doesn't stop it, though, and only stops escalating through the other person feeling they've been understood.
- The only other solution is to give time to cool off, but it only works to improve relations if it's done before the interruptions have become yelling.

Work *very* hard to find "shared facts":

- You'll often need quite a bit of [awareness](awareness.md) about the situation and how others might be thinking, as well as what you certainly *don't* know.
- However, if you're aware of what drives a disagreement, you can effectively deflect or defuse *any* conflict, or at the very least mitigate its risks.

Give clear, specific feedback on problems:

1. Approach them with the problem when they're calm and undistracted.
   - If you don't approach them, they'll have no motivation to change their behavior.
2. Start by stating the situation where their action happened.
3. Describe an exact example of what they did (preferably better than they could describe it themselves), along with the most positive explanations for those things.
4. Explain the impact their actions had on others.
5. If they refuse to admit it, give at least two more clear examples with explanations and consequences.
6. If you want, ask their intention for those actions, but don't respond to their emotions.
7. If relevant, tell them the consequences you see if they keep doing what they've done, as well as what you want.
8. Encourage that they carefully consider the matter, then leave it alone.

Everyone [disagrees on a hierarchy](http://paulgraham.com/disagree.html):

1. Refuting the other person's central point(s) ("You're saying this idea, but this idea doesn't work because...").
2. Pointing out the other person's error by quoting them ("You said 'that idea', but that's incorrect because...").
3. Contradicting the other person, then supporting it with evidence or reasoning ("The opposite of that idea is true because...").
4. Contradicting the other person without sufficiently supporting it ("You're wrong.").
5. Criticizing that person's tone without addressing their points ("You said you feel your idea is valid, but I trust fact and not feelings.").
6. Attacking the person's characteristics or authority without addressing their points ("You have no right to say that").
7. Calling the person names or using insults without presenting a counterargument ("You're an idiot.").

When you disagree, have a goal in mind:

- There are at least two sides to every disagreement, as well as a straightforward "third option" that nobody has talked about yet.
- Every single person has exclusive awareness of at least some facts, including some facts *you're* not aware of.
- Don't take anyone's behavior personally: since it's likely [habitual](habits.md), their hateful, rude, or unkind behavior toward you is more like a mental disease they can't control.

- If you're in an argument with someone publicly, and it's a waste of time, either find a way to terminate the conversation or focus your statements to resonate with the *audience* of your argument instead.

Influential people confirm what people agree with, then add new information to adapt others' views:

1. Think deeply about what you believe until you fully [understand](understanding.md) it.
2. Share what causes your beliefs, but not what you believe.
3. Give the listener plenty of time to think it over.
4. Share, as your perspective, what you think ("My belief is that...")
5. Give them more time to think it over and never bring up the subject again.

If you have a strong opinion on something, use the Two-And-Done Rule:

1. Bring up or confront the issue once, with the open understanding they will probably not agree.
2. If they don't agree, let it go and wait a while (at least days or weeks)
3. When you see the issue again, bring it up a second time.
4. If they still don't agree, yield to their decision while retaining your opinion.
5. Never bring it up again.

Never say "no" more than once: state [healthy boundaries](people-3_respect.md) the first time, then enforce them if someone tests it again.

If you feel [your rights](people-boundaries.md) are being violated, take personal responsibility that *you* put yourself in that situation:

- If you focus more on the person who violated your rights, you're keeping yourself open to that event repeating itself with someone else.

Watch for [dysregulation](awareness-dysregulation.md):

- We can often become unaware of our own feelings, but still act in a way we believe is completely rational.
- Over a long period, we may even normalize irrational behavior.
- Learn to stay fully [self-aware](awareness.md) of your feelings, even in the middle of a conflict.
  - They are often behaving on the precedent of their childhood backgrounds.
- If you see someone else in a dysregulated state, maintain *extremely* consistent boundaries to prevent their misbehavior from harming you.

Irrespective of the situation, *every* encounter has a possibility for [negotiation](people-conflicts-negotiation.md), even including [a large-scale war](people-conflicts-war.md).

### Avoid escalations

Conflicts create trouble through stages of escalation:

1. Tension - the conflict isn't voiced yet, and often not even recognized as a conflict.
2. Debate - an effort by each side to convince the other, often with black-and-white thinking, but mostly based on facts.
3. Actions replacing words - There are no more discussions, and each side take actions regarding their stance, and empathy goes down.
   - Up to this point, facilitation can bring everyone back into agreement.
4. Coalitions - The parties are looking for supporters, and the original issue no longer matters compared to winning.
5. Loss of face - Opponents are defamed, which can include exaggerations and lies.
6. Threats - The parties try to regain control with implied promises.
   - Up to this point, mediation can halt any further damage.
7. Limited destruction - The opponents are no longer seen as human, and losses are acceptable if the other person loses more.
8. Annihilation - The opponents are now worth destroying by any means possible.
9. Abyss - Even complete self-destruction is acceptable as long as their opponents also suffer.
   - When someone wishes to destroy their opponent, forcible intervention is the only available option.

If it gets heated, go to separate rooms or outside, with indication that you can both come back when you're ready:

- Do *not* leave the premises.
  - If you must leave the premises, make sure you validate your relationship with them and indicate you'll be back and where you're going, and keep your phone with you.
- When you're calm, return to the designated room, and say nothing or gently ask if they're ready to talk.
- Talk it out again, but keep each person's ideas to a five minute limit.
- If it gets heated again, leave again and repeat the same procedure.
- Quickly and meaningfully say you're sorry, but *only* if you mean it.

If you legitimately hurt others, apologize sincerely and quickly:

- Apologizing requires vulnerability and sincerity:
  1. A specific statement of what you did.
  2. Recognizing everything you're specifically responsible for.
  3. Acknowledging any pain or embarrassment you caused.
  4. Acknowledging any wrongdoing you've done.
  5. Expressing regret over what you had done.
  6. Communicating future intentions to not do it again.
- Speak plainly and don't sidestep the matter:
  - "I was wrong."
  - "That was unkind of me."
  - "I was disrespectful."
  - "I gave you no dignity, and am deeply sorry."
- Only apologize from [inner strength](success-6_humility.md), not because you feel you must.
- There are six major portions of a complete apology, which you may or may not want to express:
  1. Express regret for what you have done.
  2. Explain precisely what went wrong.
  3. Accept responsibility for what you did.
  4. Declare your repentance to them and desire to change.
  5. Offer to repair what you have broken or damaged.
  6. Requesting forgiveness for your actions.
- However, [never apologize for something you didn't do](legal-safety.md).
  - If you're careful, you can usually express heartfelt sympathy without apologizing.

## Sneaky tactics

Some people are completely impossible to please, and should always be a low priority compared to everyone and everything else.

Note subversive tactics:

- Most people who use subversive tactics know how to provoke others' [feelings](mind-feelings.md) on command.
- Your only resistance to those tactics is with [awareness](awareness.md) of your feelings and self-discipline against your impulses.
- If you're caught unaware, that person can usually reveal your weaknesses and [break you down](image-distortion.md).
- Avoid spending much time around these tactics, since they destroy your [happiness](mind-feelings-happiness.md) across the rest of your life and [influence](power-influence.md) you to perform those actions on others.
- If you choose to be around people who use devious tactics, [spend time with better friends](people-4_friends.md) to offset how much they'll influence you.
- While you *can* use subversive tactics with others, maintain your moral standards.

If you expect underhanded tactics:

1. Recognize what they're doing.
   - Only observe it to ignore it.
   - Never let it affect the conversation unless you *want* to address it.
2. At *any* time you feel uncomfortable or see the conflict going nowhere, step away from the conflict.
3. Sidestep their tactics.
   - Treat your statements as if someone is *constantly* recording what you say.
   - Never give a simple answer to a complicated question unless you fully accept its implied statement.
     - e.g., "Do you or don't you have the money you stole?"
     - Saying "Yes" or "No" is also implying, "I stole the money."
   - If you ever make a misstatement, own it immediately to prevent them from using it later.
     - If you justify it, do it on the basis of why you said it in the first place.
4. If they won't stop, draw attention to their tactic.
   - Negotiate your terms for continuing the discussion.
   - If they don't want to change their behavior in any way, step away from the conflict and promise to come back later when everyone is calmer.
5. Clarify new rules about how you'll respond to their behavior.
   - Do *not* give any new information that's unnecessary, since it can easily overwhelm.
   - Note that an underhanded tactic that worked in the past sets a precedent for future conflicts.

If you're in a new community that thrives on frequent conflict, find the highest-ranking member of the organization you expect to win against and antagonize them into a fight:

- If you're [perceptive](awareness.md), you'll likely win and become the most respected person in the room.
- However, don't take on more than you can handle: you're likely facing someone more experienced than you and probably has the favor of everyone else there.
- If you're publicly humiliated, graciously accept defeat and find a new community as soon as possible.

Watch for people who try to overpower the conversation:

- Some people try to subdue others through the force of their [personality](personality.md).

  - Their most defining characteristic is that they constantly keep interrupting you to say something that isn't clearly responding to what you stated.
  - They're not listening to you, but are simply trying to win an argument.

- There are several steps to stopping their behavior:
  1. Stop the interruption graciously and firmly.
     - Slow down your words to dramatically enhance what you're trying to say.
     - Gently put your hand up to express a boundary.
     - Politely express you want adequate time to make your point.
     - You *must* get a response from them.
     - This approach will work 90% of the time.
  2. Shame them when they don't honor your boundary:
     - Ask very specific questions that draw attention to their behavior.
     - You would like an answer from me, right?
     - Is it okay for me to finish my point?
     - Do you want an answer, or would you like to talk?
     - Resume the conversation where you left off, and avoid any smugness or rudeness.
     - This works 8 out of 10 times you need it (i.e., 8% of the time).
  3. If they don't respond to your boundary or shaming, leave them:
     - This is for the 2% of the people who can't respect your boundaries.
     - Make sure they receive the satisfaction of having the last word.

## Detect a crucial conflict

Some conflicts are extremely important with vast, far-reaching effects:

- Your character and integrity is heavily defined by how you handle crucial conflicts.
- Most aspects of [long-term success](success-6_humility.md) require extreme attention to when a conflict becomes crucial, as well as knowing how to handle them correctly.
- Most people who fail with crucial conflicts tend to suffer [extreme hardship](hardship.md) by others and end up in [legal trouble](legal-safety.md).

Watch for when a conflict has intensified:

- Signs of stress, unrest, or agitation.
- People start to feel unsafe.
  - Each person has their own style of self-protective toxicity, but it's usually expressed as silence or violence.
  - Silence is "flight" and removes new information from the shared dialogue.
    - Masking understates or selectively shows honest opinions, often with vagueness or sarcasm.
    - Avoiding simply changes the subject.
    - Withdrawing leaves the discussion entirely.
  - Violence is "fight" and tries to force others toward a new point of view.
    - Controlling forces views or dominates the conversation.
    - Belittling makes a broad statement, then dismisses it.
    - Attacking either using fierce belittling or makes threats.

Learn to detect when conflicts need a negotiation:

1. Someone imagines extreme consequences.
2. Opinions appear to differ.
3. Someone has strong [feelings](mind-feelings.md).

Don't treat a non-crucial conflict like it's crucial:

- Even if something isn't that severe, your feeling that it may be severe could provoke the other person into thinking something is worse than it really is.

### Observe power dynamics

Consider how much power each person wields:

- There are as many [types of power](power-types.md) as [purposes](purpose.md) that someone can accomplish.
- A stunning majority of people are mostly [unaware](awareness.md) of the power they hold.

With official authorities, temper your behavior:

- Even if it's not natural for you, [respect their position](people-3_respect.md) even if they don't deserve respect as a person.
- Always [legally document](legal-safety.md) the entire exchange to protect yourself (preferably with recordings), even if you don't use it.

A. Overpowering is trying to command the most control in the conflict:

- They're using intensity and manipulation to control the situation, often by ignoring their [boundaries](people-3_respect.md) and limits.
- The only version of reality they'll acknowledge is their own [understanding](understanding.md).
- To them, nobody else is allowed to use their power, so they'll communicate unreasonable demands without any feeling or consideration.
- They're generally indifferent to others in the conflict until they're affected by it, and won't tend to [listen](language-speaking.md) to others' feelings or thoughts.
- When they perceive opposition they'll counter, block, and divert it.
  - Often, they'll subtly or directly blame, judge, and criticize to prematurely subdue opposition.
  - Sometimes, they'll use witty sarcasm or silently withhold information.

B. Passive power is trying to gain approval from everyone:

- They won't directly ask for what they need or want.
- Usually, they're avoiding all confrontation, then when an unavoidable conflict arises they'll make inadequate demands involving their personal gain.
- Often, they refuse to bargain or negotiate what they want.
- Watch for modifiers that lessen the impact of statements (sorry, I just..., I mean...).
- At the farthest end, they destroy society by exploiting others' kindness by [deceiving](people-lying.md) people that their status is worse than it is.

C. Personal power believes in and desires mutual benefit and coexistence:

- They fully assert themselves up to the point that they aren't crossing [boundaries](people-3_respect.md).
- Their focus stays on what can change to fulfill what everyone needs.
- This attitude is an inherent risk, so it can only come from self-respect and [prior successes](success-6_humility.md).

Healthy conflicts require everyone to interpret each other at a similar amount of power:

- When someone throws around their authority, other people feel inferior and tend to submit unwillingly or rebel.

Overpowering and passive power are designed to convey an [image](image.md) of more/less power than they have:

- Most overpowering or passive power is driven by a desire to gain a power advantage, which is unfavorable to everyone else.
  - To find a Win/Win solution, you must enhance or undermine their power for them to perceive it as matching yours.
- Frequently, people will use those forms of power to then gain power from others' reactions:
  - Overpowering [scares others](mind-feelings-fear.md), which can be manipulated to make someone appear like they can harm someone else.
  - Passive power elicits pity, which can provoke others to cut back on their own needs or wants.
  - Nobody likes either, so using personal power can often create huge ripples across entire communities.

Carefully examine and manage threats:

- Whether conscious or unconscious, people make threats by exploiting loopholes and ambiguity.
- The severity of the threat comes from how much they can answer 4 questions:
  1. What can the person do, and what are they *actually* willing to do?
  2. Who will do what they're threatening?
  3. When would they be able to do it?
  4. How could they do it?
- Often, their [personality](personality.md) can also give clues: more dramatic means less ability to act.
- The inverse of threats come through shame, sometimes with [religious](religion.md) threats involved.
- The only way to shut down an idle threat is to ignore it:
  - Stay mindful of what people will *actually* do, even when they're screaming and dancing next to your face.
  - Don't relent on your [boundaries](people-3_respect.md), even if they're begging or shaming you.

## Only create conflicts with a purpose in mind

When you become effective at conflicts, it's easy to engage with them whenever you want.

The only noble and worthwhile conflicts are driven by [love](people-love.md) for others:

- You *must* go easy on others, since we are all fragile, hurt people, irrespective of what we've done.
- Even if we don't love our opponents, we must [respect them](people-3_respect.md) in their position.

However, in unhealthy conflicts, exploiting something for others' gain may not be [wrong](morality-evil.md), but it's *never* [right](morality.md).

Don't worry about "winning", since getting an okay (but not great) deal very frequently [builds relationships](people-4_friends.md) in the process, and you can always revisit the situation after enough time passes.