# What children must know

They must know they're loved:

- Like adults, children do things for social praise, status, and influence far more than a physical reward, but desperately crave approval and acceptance much more than adults.
- More than anything else, they need constant affirmation and clarification that they matter to you, are important, that you care about them, and that you notice them.
- Focus exclusively on them when you speak with them, and redirect yourself back to the conversation if you get distracted.
- Spend at least 1-2 hours daily with them.
- Let them overhear that you love them and believe in them.
- However, at the same time, *never* affirm them for what they have no control over (e.g., intelligence, strength) and focus instead on what they've decided (e.g., problem-solving, helpfulness).
- Even when they say and think silly things, utterly respect them and their views.

They must feel safe.

- A child who feels unsafe will likely develop [fears](mind-feelings-fear.md) that develop into a [neurodivergence](mind-neurodivergence.md).

If a child doesn't feel loved or safe, they will perform 4 possible roles:

1. Behave like they're sick.
2. Be brilliant to receive admiration.
3. Care for others.
4. Be rebellious and difficult, which is usually when they aren't succeeding at any of the other 3 roles.

They need to know what they're permitted to do:

- A parent is responsible to give them context for the appropriate way to feel and express their feelings and thoughts.
- Verbally instruct them as much as possible about what's okay and not okay.
  - State it plainly to them, since they will *not* usually pick up hints.
- They always have the right to punch a pillow, talk out their frustrations, express disagreement, explain why they disagree, and do something productive with their frustrations.
- They *never* have the right to scream, throw things in anger, break things that aren't theirs, or hurt others.

Make a list of up to 10 things, more importantly than anything else, you want your child to know by adulthood:

- This won't be exact and will somewhat shift throughout their childhood.
- However, it should give you an approximate set of values to frame the [culture](people-culture.md) you want them to carry into the rest of their lives.

They must learn awareness and reasoning:

- Children have the reasoning skills of drunk people.
  - Don't expect them to understand subtleties.
  - They're literally oblivious to [clutter](organization.md), [messes](home-housekeeping.md), [personal hygiene](people-image.md), or [good manners](people-3_respect.md).
  - Expect that you'll frequently repeat yourself.
  - Stay vigilant about their behaviors and motivations.
- Teach children to slow down and [meditate](mind-awareness.md) whenever they start losing control of themselves.
- Children don't know what they need, but they often know exactly what they want.
  - Giving children everything they want distorts their perspective of the world.
  - Structure your rewards and live your life to teach them the value of hard work and the importance of waiting.
  - Schedule and communicate most of their lives to give them clear limits and boundaries.
- If they're upset about losing something, that's all they'll think about.
  - They're often more disturbed by failed expectations than by the loss of the thing itself.
  - Express plenty of empathy for the loss, then redirect their attention to something else and affirm your love for them.
- Ask them questions that provoke them to consider their actions and behaviors.
  - Their strongest lessons come from things they've discovered themselves.
- Teach them the good *and* bad sides of things.
  - Most parents teach the bad sides of dangerous things like drugs and premarital sex but will fail to explain why people do them in the first place.
  - More information is *always* better.
  - They'll listen while they're young, and once they become teenagers will likely seek answers elsewhere that you didn't provide.

## Teach them life skills

Children must internalize several critical skills to succeed:

1. Self-confidence that they are capable of accomplishing, which only comes from them *actually* risking and succeeding at something.
2. Empathy for others, which they should express as motivation to act to alleviate others' suffering.
3. Self-control over their attention, [feelings](mind-feelings.md), [thoughts](understanding.md), [actions](mind-decisions.md), and desires.
4. [Social skills](people-rules.md) for interacting with other children and adults, especially with respect to their most severe [eccentricities](people-personality.md).
5. [Ethical behavior](morality.md) that keeps them honest and considerate.
6. Curiosity about the world around them.
7. Perseverance to keep going when they want to give up.
8. Optimism about [the world they don't know](unknown.md).

They must learn a wide variety of life skills:

- [Effectively communicating](language-speaking.md) their thoughts and feelings
  - They must learn [good manners](people-3_respect.md).
  - They must learn to properly handle [conflicts](people-conflicts.md), ideally through negotiating a "third option".
- [Writing](language-writing.md) well
  - The ability to write well in modern society by typing is *far* more powerful than speaking or handwriting well.
- Home skills like [cooking](cooking.md) and [housekeeping](home-housekeeping.md)
- Self-maintenance skills like [hygiene](people-image.md) and [weight management](body-diet.md)
- How to stay safe, both physically and [legally](legal-safety.md)
- How to make responsible and healthy decisions later about [dating](relationships-dating.md), [relationships](relationships-marriage.md), and [having children of their own](parenting-babies.md).
- It's worth noting that, as a parent, they'll learn far more from your example than from anything you'll verbally teach them, and [they'll still have to discover it on their own](parenting-3_teenagers.md).

Help them manage uncertainty and ambiguity:

- Give them the correct context to express and anticipate trauma, joy, hope, and love.
- By age 7, they can imagine the concept of infinity, so openly discuss the [eternal questions](philosophy-paradoxes.md) about life, conception, aging, [death](hardship-death.md), and [things *nobody* knows](religion.md).

They must learn how to manage money:

- Your child should understand how to spend, save, and budget [money](money-1_why.md)before they're old enough to take risks with large-scale consequences.
- You are 100% responsible for their spending lifestyle when they're first adults.
  - Children learn more from money about how you live than from what you say.
- Ages 3-5:
  - They must understand that money is necessary to buy things.
    - Have them buy things with money.
  - They must also understand that people earn money from working.
  - Strictly enforce the importance of delayed gratification.
  - Teach them the difference between a want and a need.
- Ages 6-10:
  - Instead of an allowance, pay commissions for added work beyond the normal contributions.
    - An allowance implies that money is always available, but commissions show money's limits and benefits.
  - Teach the importance of [keeping personal information private](computers-cysec.md), especially with online vendors.
  - Group their money into 3 categories:
    1. Giving
       - Stress the importance of giving by making them give.
       - The amount of money donated directly corresponds to their generosity.
    2. Saving
       - Make it at least a dime for every dollar.
       - To make it more visually appealing, use a clear jar.
    3. Spending
- Ages 11-13:
  - Teach them how you can only spend money once.
  - Show them how to [comparison-shop](money-4_spending.md).
  - Open a few accounts for them and give monthly reviews:
    1. A checking account for their spending
    2. A savings account to show how compound interest works
  - Teach them about how compounding interest on unpaid [debt](money-2_debt.md) can charge more than they spent.