# The stages of narcissistic psychological warfare

There are eight predictable stages every victim will experience with [a narcissist](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md).

- The length and severity of these stages are highly dependent on how the victim responds to them.

The victims most harmed by narcissist abuse are, in some way, [unaware](mind-awareness.md) of that narcissist's behavior.

- Sometimes they've normalized narcissistic abuse from their [childhood](hardship-family.md).
- Other times, they weren't sufficiently socialized as a child to understand appropriate human behavior (e.g., [autism](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md)).
- Many times, they're aware of the behavior, but they dismiss the boundary violations because they dismiss the narcissists' boundary violations as a [failed understanding](understanding.md) or lack of [education](education.md).

Most narcissists are *not* actively aware of these stages, though they are often aware of the [moral](morality.md) consequences of what they're doing to their victims.

## 1. Indoctrination

They construct a false persona designed to reflect the victim's preferences ("love-bombing").

- They make elaborate promises about the future.
- They initiate premature intimacy ("sex-bombing").
- They isolate the victim from outside perspectives.

All of this happens before the abuse starts.

- At this stage, this person is truly wonderful, and if the impression were true, they'd be a wonderful life partner, business partner, employee, church leader, etc.
- The only indication at all about the risks beyond this is through small elements of [testing boundaries](people-boundaries.md).

The victim will have to be [street smart enough](safety-streetsmart.md) to pick up the alienating cues amidst the charm.

- Depending on the narcissist's experience, they'll push past the limits of their victim, then see how much the victim will accept their not-quite-apology.
- This, sadly, often requires that a victim had gone through the stages of narcissism with someone else.

Key indicators of possible narcissism in a casual setting:

- Unusually dark humor
- Unusually rapid intensification of a [friendship](people-friends.md) (though may be [ASD](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md))
- Tendency to dominate conversations (though may be [ASD](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md))
- Inability to graciously take a joke at their expense
- Discrepancy between the appearance and actions of kindness (e.g., friendly at a party, but takes the last piece of something)
- Humble-bragging (i.e., [stories](stories-why.md) that sound self-deprecating but promote them in some way)

## 2. Psychological breakdown

They become emotionally unavailable.

- They start becoming more distant and cold toward the victim.
- At this point, they'll start making the victim think they're crazy ("gaslighting").

This experience will be so severe that the victim will question their sanity.

- "I must be doing something wrong to make them behave this way."
- "I remember what I saw, but I can't be sure since they said it wasn't."

The victim will resist this to the degree they can maintain their hold on [reality](reality.md) and their [identity](people-identity.md).

- A huge portion of this reality is through others' support, but Stage 2 drove others out already.
- This can also be resisted if they have a [spiritual identity](theology-godandman.md) where they know they're loved.

## 3. Psychological enslavement

They systematically create dependency across all domains of the victim's life:

- Neurological: they've provoked bonding that feels like an [addiction](addiction.md) to the victim through cycles of terror and relief ("trauma bonding")
- Emotional: they are the victim's only source of [emotional](mind-feelings.md) validation
- Financial: they take control of all the victim's [money](money-3_budget.md)
- Practical: they have control over the victim's home
- Social: they removed the victim's support system
- Psychological: they've made the victim no longer trust their own mind

The effectiveness of this all depends on the talent and desire of the narcissist.

- Most of the time, it isn't a totality of control, but they'll continually exercise [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) over any control the victim refuses to give up.

The victim's ability to disregard shame and [set good boundaries](people-boundaries.md) determines how well they'll resist this stage.

- The only way they set good boundaries, though, comes through how much of reality that they can accept, which was at least partly dismantled in Stage 3.
- Without boundaries, they'll see their abuser as both their threat and safety, which will override rational decision-making.

## 4. Mental reprogramming

They rewrite the victim's entire perception of reality by [influencing](power-influence.md) the other person toward falsehoods ("neurological battery"):

- The victim deserves mistreatment.
- The narcissist is the victim.
- The victim has no other options.

The victim effectively sees the narcissst as the only decider of truth.

One of the narcissist's most manipulative behaviors comes through a "double-bind":

1. The narcissist has isolated the victim from sufficient information to answer a question.
2. The narcissist approaches the victim with a binary this/that question.
   - The narcissist will have an accusation and condemnation prepared for both possibilities.
3. When the victim answers, the narcissist will use fear, obligation or guilt to get what they want.

This only works to the effect that the narcissist has them alone without competing views.

- Often, [education](education.md) and casual [friends](people-friends.md) can deter this, but the victim will often [habituate](habits.md) away from those experiences.

While the victim feels used and abused (even if they're not aware), this is the high point for the narcissist, and they will often try to maintain this state or reproduce it in others.

- Due to social skills and attitude, the covert narcissist will have more trouble with this stage than the overt narcissist, and this can contribute heavily to their mood swings.

## 5. Psychological punishment

While it happened subtly before, the narcissist ramps up the [conditioned response](habits.md) they had done:

- The trigger happens whenever the victim tries to set a good boundary:
  - Ignore their influence
  - Assert independence
  - Resist their behaviors
  - Set boundaries
- The mechanism is systematic psychological violence designed to break them down:
  - Disproportionate [escalation](people-conflicts.md) that can become rage, threats, or violence
  - Silent treatment
  - Financial retaliation
  - Threats to the victim's children
  - Sexual coercion
  - Public humiliation
- The narcissist's desired result is for them to admit that resistance isn't worth the effort.

The only way this ends is through several awful possibilities:

1. Full submission and acceptance, which moves to Stage 5.
2. Full rebellion through narcissistic behavior thrown back at them, which leads to Stage 2 again, but with further shame to break them down as "the real abuser".
3. Direct intervention by a third party or [severe hardship](hardship.md).

## 6. Psychological submission

The victim has now accepted that setting good boundaries or resisting the narcissist's [influence](power-influence.md) is impossible ("psychological homicide").

- It becomes learned helplessness.
- At this point, the victim has been stripped of all [identity](people-identity.md) and [meaning](meaning.md) and sees their entire existence as being the fulfillment of the narcissist.

This persists as long as the victim fulfills the narcissist's supply.

Sadly, the [personality](people-personality.md) of the victim determines whether it moves to Stage 7 or ends in something violent (e.g., murder, suicide, murder-suicide).

## 7. Psychological captivity

This is a holding pattern with the narcissist and victim:

- The victim will become increasingly distraught over this arrangement, but will persist in it while feeling trapped.
- The narcissist, however, is satisfied but feels they're losing control.

Any time the narcissist feels dissatisfied with their supply, they'll simply cycle back to Stages 1-5:

1. Reinforce kindness to give hope.
2. Constant gaslighting to prevent them from discovering the truth.
3. Removing their support to prevent them from fleeing.
4. [Lying](people-lying.md) to maintain their [consent](people-contracts.md).
5. Punishment to keep them submissive.

Assuming the victim doesn't respond with the rebellion in Stage 5, the victim will slowly gain wisdom about their narcissist.

1. They'll start giving up hope that the narcissist will ever change.
2. They'll discover truths that make the narcissist's gaslighting ineffective.
3. They'll experience the rest of the world enough that they'll push against the narcissist's effort to shut them out.
4. They'll see the narcissist's lies for what they are.
5. They'll see the punishment in the context of the manipulation that drives it.

When the narcissist sees they're losing [influence](power-influence.md) that can't be regained, they'll move to Stage 8.

## 8. Destruction and erasure (aka "discard")

The narcissist will systematically destroy and discard their victim when they're done with them.

- They will retell the events of an experience, but will rearrange or omit a few details to make them the hero or victim.
- Their [stories](stories-why.md) will be compelling, especially since they are often self-deluded into believing their version of the story.
- When adverse events *do* factually occur, they are very good at [advertising](marketing.md) their victimhood by embellishing the truth.
- This is very effective because of the skills to [appear](people-image.md) charming and attractive mentioned in Stage 1.

The cruelty of a narcissist discard is relentless.

- Most of it is because they tremendous [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) at their victim not giving them what they want, and they will viciously blame their victim for their pain.
- They will try to destroy absolutely everything of their victim to maximize the destruction they can cause.
  - This is their attempt to feel some sense of importance, even in their absence ("I know they won't forget about me now!").
  - This will include every relationship, resource, and even the victim's sense of reality

If the narcissist is intelligent or experienced, they can exploit behaviors in their victims to justify their discard:

- Prodding their victims to yell, act out, or otherwise misbehave.
- Provoking their victims to domestic violence.
- Using a [politically advantageous demographic](politics-leftism.md) for their benefit (e.g., leveraging being [a female](people-gender.md) or African American).

## Recap

To put in very unsophisticated terms:

1. They look nice.
2. They gaslight you.
3. They make you depend on them.
4. They make themselves God to you.
5. They punish you for resisting.
6. You give up.
7. They keep at it until you wake up.
8. They ghost you.