# Context-sensitive indicators of narcissism

These are the indicators of narcissism.

- However, the tricky reality is that narcissists don't want to be discovered, so detecting them isn't always straightforward.
- Further, many indicators can overlap with other [neurodivergence](mind-neurodivergence.md) (e.g., [autism](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md)), which can lead to false positives.

## Social environment

They tend to gravitate toward open, inviting social environments where people are less likely to judge someone's outward appearance (e.g., [church](church.md)).

While it may not seem intuitive, they *will* make [friends](people-friends.md).

- Their friends will either be other narcissists who can empathize with their outlook on life or shallow friendships that give them the validation they're looking for.
- Sometimes, they'll stay closer to some people for the purpose of creating allies.
- The only constant with their friends is that they will discard their friends (even their [spouses](relationships-marriage.md)) when those people aren't useful to them anymore (Stage 8 below).
- They'll tend to prioritize their casual friendships and strangers over their [partner](relationships-marriage.md) for several reasons:
  1. They can gaslight their partner by using their friendship.
  2. Their friends are giving more supply than their partner is.

## Nonverbal cues

In general, your body will send nervous system responses that recognize manipulation, even if you're not conscious of it.

Higher likelihood of fake smiles or no smiles at all.

An empty stare, which often indicates apathy or boredom.

Smirking, eye-rolling, or boredom when hearing about others' pain.

Silent power moves:

- Standing too close
- Touching when someone pulls away
- Stnading when others are sitting
- Sitting up to look taller
- Leaning into a conversation
- Leaning against a wall with the arm at chest height or higher

Since the world hasn't given them what they want for a long time, and they have tremendous [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) over it.

- This will give them an unwavering crease in the center of their forehead.
- Their qualities become worse as they lose the ability to manipulate people (first physically as they age, then mentally/emotionally as the [stress](mind-feelings-happiness-stress.md) wears on them).

Mirroring body language early on, then withdrawing that mirroring behavior later.

## Verbal responses

Many of them use [lying](people-lying.md) to maintain their state of mind and lifestyle, often to the point of compulsive lying.

Direct boredom with others' interests, thoughts, or feelings that don't involve them.

- The only time they'll pay attention is when it corresponds to their interests.
- Most of the time, they'll stonewall but won't express their disinterest because they know it'll sabotage their ability to get narcissistic supply.

## Finding out for sure

If you suspect narcisssistic behavior:

- Address one of their problematic behaviors.
- [Tell them "no"](people-boundaries.md).
- Ask them what their greatest regret is, their insecurities, or their weaknesses.
- Ask them why they feel they have the right to something.
- If they say many things that are hard to follow in a conflict, candidly ask them what their goal is for that conflict.
- Simply disagree with them.

To them, any disagreement is you attacking their control and power, and want others to mirror back their beliefs to them.

They won't be able to answer your questions directly, and will only do a few possible, predictable things:

- Lash out and behave angrily
- Blame anyone but themselves
- Punish you through passive-aggressive behavior
  - This can include slander and gossip with others
- Punish you through the silent treatment
- Childish behavior like throwing a tantrum or pouting

Be careful when [trusting](mind-trust.md) them, and only give them information you're satisfied with them misusing.

- They will only use you, so don't consider any long-term friendship or partnership with them.
- Being stingy with information will save you trouble later, but will tip them off sooner that you know about them.

## Prove they're not a narcissist

If you have [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) from narcissistic abuse, it's *very* common to misattribute narcissistic behaviors from strangers as more narcissism.

- However, this can create unneeded social friction through unfounded accusation or judgment.
- To avoid error in that context, aim to try proving other people *aren't* narcissists.

Naturally, some indicators mean someone is *not* a narcissist:

- They continue connection with others even when they're disappointed with them.
- They directly answer questions others ask them.
- They seek to understand others, and not simply to win an argument.
- When others succeed, they legitimately celebrate their victories.
- When others address pain they've caused, they're not defensive, and instead seek to understand how they hurt them.