# Conflicts with narcissists

The most complex part of a narcissist comes through how they manage conflicts.

- In many ways, every single narcissist is perfectly wonderful to get along with, until you have a [standard conflict](people-conflicts.md) with them.

## Indicators

They will remain calm after causing chaos.

When pushed to it, they will only admit fault in a partial way:

- "Everyone has done wrong here."
- "I was distracted/busy with something else/occupied."
- "They were asking for it."

They will tend to escalate [conflicts](people-conflicts.md) from simple disagreement into arguments *much* faster than most other people.

- To earn admiration, they'll behave kind, humble, and spiritual.
  - While they openly virtue signal love and forgiveness, they'll secretly gossip and judge others.
- To feed their sense of self, they'll seek validation from pastors and church members.
- To gain status and control, they'll happily volunteer or lead events.
- They'll frequently misuse [Scripture](theology-bible.md) to justify their actions or silence others' disagreements.
- The greatest irony when they're in a Christian church is that they're part of [a social group devoted to publicly acknowledging and repenting from all their sins](https://theologos.site/gospel/).

Vulnerable narcissists, in particular, have a complex set of cues.

- Like all narcissists, any concern connected with them is an attack on their [identity](people-identity.md), which makes them [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md).
  - But, their entire delusion relies heavily on being a victim, so they *can't* express their anger.
- However, their anger will subconsciously leak out in many ways.
- They will see any efforts to clarify, problem-solve, apologize, negotiate, or openly communicate as contradiction, disrespect, or exposure.
- As it happens, watch for the following:
  1. Tone that doesn't match their words
     - Tones that imply "concern"
     - Disappointment that doesn't match the context
     - Behavior that implies confusion
  2. Odd escalations
     - Questions that imply guilt
     - Vague accusations, including implications of victimhood or martyrdom
     - Dragging others into the conflict ("triangulating")
     - Passive-aggressive behavior
     - Subtle insults
  3. Seeking emotional validation without any discussion of the problem itself
     - Loud sighing
     - Exaggerated sadness
     - One-sided storytelling
  4. Obsessing about unrelated things
     - Nitpicking over others' small tasks
     - Phrasing their anger as concern (e.g., "I'm just worried...")
- Unfortunately, their actions can never *prove* their intent, which creates [tremendous hardship for their victims later](hardship-ptsd.md).

When their narcissistic rage engages, they will recklessly throw everything away.

- Friendships they've built over *decades* can disappear overnight.
- Long-term commitments (e.g., [marriage](relationships-marriage.md)) aren't exempt from the circumstance.
- This will often cascade into increasing issues as the consequences of their actions catch up to them, triggering the same narcissistic rage.

All of this means their patience threshold is very slim.

- [Healthy conflict management](people-conflicts.md) requires patience, stability, assertiveness, and perspective.
- Narcissists simply can't handle conflicts directly, so in their mind they have no choice except to use indirect methods.
- Talking *about* someone has no accountability, gives them control over the [story](stories-why.md), and allows them to [influence](power-influence.md) others to their side.

## Making conflicts with narcissists

A narcissist has a predictable conflict style:

1. Make some form of chaos, often where they can deny involvement.
2. Wait for someone else to react to the chaos.
3. Make that person's reaction the focus of the issue.
4. Do everything they can to turn everyone against that person.

If you do *any* of the following, they will absolutely seek to destroy you at some point in the future (you've basically moved to [Stage 8](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist-stages.md)):

- Tell them they are a narcissist.
- Call them out on a lie they've made, then tell them you don't care if they try to justify it.
- Conduct a "reverse discard", which is quietly detaching from them without drama before they detach from you.

Don't bother arguing with them.

- Most people argue to prove a point, but they're simply maintaining their narcissistic supply.
- Ask them why they are so uncomfortable with having a different perspective.
- The quickest way to defuse every conflict, however, is to say "I accept that's how you feel".

[Love](people-love.md) covers a multitude of sins, but narcissists don't recognize love in any conventional sense.

- The only "love" they understand is others making disproportionate sacrifices for them relative to the sacrifices they make for others.
- This mindset also means they find legitimate human connection with others a waste of time.
  - They will also resent gentler [feelings](mind-feelings.md) than resentment and anger, such as joy or sadness.

While it isn't "nice", handling a narcissist requires a very specific approach:

1. Spiritually turn from any [anger](mind-feelings-anger.md), which means releasing it to God.
   - They are a tragic story that will only become more tragic as they accumulate more trouble for themselves.
   - All you can do is grow yourself, separately from them.
   - You don't need to expose them, since they'll expose themselves over time.
2. Create distance with them, both physically and relationally.
   - Avoid matching or responding to their emotional tone.
   - Behave in a very boring way with them until they get bored and go somewhere else ("gray-rocking").
   - [Influencing](power-influence.md) them is an utter waste of time, and your vulnerability will expose you to risk.
   - If you must stay around them, practice [healthy boundaries](people-boundaries.md) like your life depends on it.
3. Stay in close community with others.
   - You must [take care of yourself](hardship-abuse.md), so learn to isolate from their toxic behaviors and build relationships with others elsewhere.
   - Besides protecting you from their direct abuse, more people and institutions protect you from the reputation damage they'll inevitably give you.
4. Avoid any open confrontation with them, since they *will* misuse it to their advantage.
   - If they try to trap you into a response, use [healthy conflict management techniques](people-conflicts-bad.md)
   - Stay gracious to them, even if they make you [angry](mind-feelings-anger.md).
   - Learn to walk away when things become heated.
5. Remove any connections they could misuse later:
   - Secure your finances separately from them.
   - Change passwords or close accounts.
   - Adapt your lifestyle to not include them.
6. Plan for the narcissist's [lies](people-lying.md) by [maintaining your character](morality-virtues.md).
   - Document events that happen, and use facts over feelings as much as possible.
   - Since you can't protect yourself from *everyone* they could come in contact with, openly share the truth with your closer friends and [family](people-family.md).

After their discard, expect them to spread falsehoods about you.

- You *will* lose mutual [friends](people-friends.md) in this encounter.
- If they're not willing to hear your side of the story, they have been susceptible to narcissistic abuse themselves.
  - Others' judgment of you is their [moral hazard](morality.md).
  - Some mutual friends will come back around later if they're worth your time.
  - Some of the friends you lose [are *also* narcissists](people-friends-bad.md), which can be a good thing in disguise.