# What regret and shame is

Shame is the internalization of regret or guilt.

- Guilt is the [feeling](mind-feelings.md) of having done something [immoral](morality-justice.md).
- Regret is [not forgiving](hardship-forgiveness.md) ourselves over past decisions.
- Both are a [desire](purpose.md) and [feeling](mind-feelings.md) to have done things in the past differently.
- We tend to fail at moving on from guilt and regret when we [relive trauma](hardship-ptsd.md).

The only [use](results.md) for regret is when we have [not learned](understanding.md) from the [decision](people-decisions.md) we had made.

- It's effectively useless when we did [the right thing](morality.md) at the time with the information we had available.

No matter what, people make decisions they think are [reasonable](logic.md) at the time.

- Broadly blaming anything without giving the grace of context is ignoring [how](https://gainedin.site/layers/) something failed.

## Regret becomes shame

Over time, regret converts into shame:

- Shame is the belief that we are defective, inadequate, or flawed.
- Shame moves from the realm of action ("I did wrongly") to [identity](identity.md) ("I am wrong").
- We'll presume (often when we're highly susceptible as children) that we can "fix" ourselves to feel less shame.

## Living in regret and shame

Shame is painful, and stops the ability to self-reflect.

- At least some of the things we declare as "broken" are core parts of our [personality](personality.md).
- *Any* [self-development](success-1_why.md) will be halted by shame, since the mind will interpret it as self-protection.

Shame frequently comes through [conflicts](people-conflicts-why.md) about a [taboo](morality-taboo.md).

- However, anyone can imply that a person [should](imagination.md) be ashamed (even when it's a [distortion of the truth](people-image-distortion.md)).

If we live our lives coated in [regret and shame](mind-feelings-shame.md), we'll often find [groups that reinforce it](groups-member.md).

- As time persists, we may be trained to be controlled by the [bullies](power.md) of that group.
- Instead of learning to [cope with it](people-decisions.md) as it arises, we'll try to [control others' lives](power-influence.md).

## Shame indicators

Many elements of shame express consistently in the same form.

- Unfortunately, most of those indicators are [socially acceptable](people-rules-list.md), which creates a legitimate [battle between individual preference and conformity](https://gainedin.site/protector-real/)

Frequently apologizing:

- Constantly feeling like they're doing things wrongly, even when they aren't.

Excessively explaining things:

- Can be an attempt to prove worthiness of being listened to or from fear of being misunderstood.
- Very common among some cultures (e.g., [STEM](https://trendless.tech/))

Overthinking things:

- Preoccupation with personal flaws.
  - Replaying what was said "wrong".
- Hyper-awareness of tone, words, and body language to gauge if others are angry.
- Second-guessing decisions for no apparent reason.

Belief that love or care must be earned.

Numbness to [hardship](hardship.md) and personal needs:

- Desire to not be a "burden" to anyone.
- Dismissing hurtful remarks from others:
  - They're attempting to avoid vulnerability, which may cause more hurt.
- Not communicating legitimate issues and pain:
  - Refusal to admit anything is painful, since it risks opening up more emotional wounds.
  - "I'm fine."
  - "It's no big deal."
  - "It doesn't matter."
  - Often expresses through the body saying differently than words or ideas.
- Guilty feelings while resting:
  - While appearing to be responsible, they're hiding that they don't feel worthy enough to unwind and decompress.

Complexities with others' opinions:

- Preoccupation with appearing perfect.
- Anxiety about what others may think or feel.
- Shutting down when receiving any constructive feedback.
- Comparing self with others.
- Seeking constant reassurance:
  - They're fighting the belief that tells them that they're not worth where they're at.
- Avoiding compliments:
  - Dismissing or outright avoiding affirmations that don't fit into their worldview.

Looking to manage others' feelings:

- They're looking to resolve others' feelings because they don't want to consider their own.
- Often, they don't want to be seen as a problem, so they're seeking others' validation instead.

## Shifting out of shame

Shame is the [feeling](mind-feelings.md) of being cast out of society, and therefore unhealthy to maintain.

- The feeling of toxic shame is one of the primary shapers of most [neurodivergent thinking](mind-neurodivergence.md), especially narcissism.

The solution to regret is to internalize the fact that, given what you knew at the time, you did what you thought was best.

- The solution to *shame*, however, starts with [awareness](awareness.md) of it, then shifts to self-forgiveness.

The only lasting cure for shame is to form [an identity](identity.md) around something that's *not* the actions we had performed.

- This can take the form of self-indemnifying, but should be conformed to [reality](reality.md).
- The most powerful peace comes in becoming and closely identifying as [a child of God](humanity-christian.md).