# What sadness is

Sadness is the [emotional](mind-feelings.md) interpretation of experiencing a [loss](safety.md)

While it can apply to almost anything, we usually experience sadness over the loss of a [friendship](people-friends.md) or of [power](power.md), though it can also apply to possessions.

## Chronic sadness

When sadness moves beyond the initial experience and becomes chronic, it becomes grief. Grief is always present when a loss is [significant enough](values-quality.md) to our lives.

When a loss is significant enough, we *always* cycle through five stages of grief:

1. Denial - [uncertainty](understanding-certainty.md) the thing happened.
   - It's a short-lived response that buffers us against the first wave of pain.
   - When severe enough, even the feelings tied to the pain can have separate waves of denial.
2. [Anger](mind-feelings-anger.md) - certainty the thing happened but a feeling of [injustice](morality-justice.md) about it.
   - The anger itself is a misplaced need for justice on our terms.
   - It's from trouble accepting reality, even while the initial shock has passed.
   - This anger will usually express as frustration toward objects, strangers, friends, or family.
3. Bargaining - attempting to [negotiate](people-conflicts-negotiation.md) to regain the thing.
   - We're trying to regain control while feeling helpless and vulnerable, and this often includes a deal with [God](god.md) or some other higher power.
   - We usually start by bargaining with what we can do now.
   - Depending on our [negotiating skills](people-conflicts-negotiation.md) and stubbornness, we may move on to negotiating impossible promises or regrets, and we may ponder hypothetical possibilities if we're particularly [imaginative](imagination.md).
4. Depression - [imagining](imagination.md) and dwelling on the void of the thing in our lives.
   - There are two forms our depression will take:
     1. Withdrawn: making quiet preparations to say goodbye and separate from the person or experience.
        - At that point, we simply need a hug.
     2. Volatile: a varied over-reactivity to the experience.
        - At that point, we need simple clarification, reassurance, helpful cooperation, and a few kind words.
5. Acceptance - reluctantly admitting [reality](reality.md).
   - This is *not* happiness, and is simply a resting state for feelings to run their course.

At any point, any situation can make us regress and fall back through any number of stages, but we will have to progress again through the stages to reach acceptance.

When a loss is very significant (e.g., a spouse dying), each stage can last for years. In smaller losses, they sometimes only last for less than a second.

Sometimes grief can transition from a state of sorrow to a comfortable mental state. When this happens, it has become an [addiction](addiction.md).

The primary cure for grief, however, is to develop a full [understanding](understanding.md) that the suffering isn't permanent, and that the loss isn't as materially bad as the feelings make it appear.

## Sadness + injustice

When sadness combines with the feeling of [injustice](morality-justice.md), it becomes pity.

## Sadness + hopelessness

Sadness by itself is only for [a season](trends.md), but the absence of [hope](trust.md) gives an extra dose of severity to sadness, and it becomes despair.

Despair over time slowly erodes [our purposes](purpose.md), and eventually becomes depression. The only way to stop depression from spiraling into further depression is to [redefine many key values of oneself](hardship-worthlessness.md), which usually comes through [building good habits](habits.md) that give constructive, healthy routines. While it isn't enjoyable until they see [results](results.md), they can eventually find [meaning](meaning.md).