# Forgiveness

Forgiveness is the final stage of [releasing trauma](hardship-ptsd.md).

There are multiple possible realms where we may not forgive:

- Past [decisions](people-decisions.md) with present consequences.
- [Goals](success-1_why.md) that weren't met.
- [Consequences](results.md) we had no control over.
- [Imagination](imagination.md) about what could have been.
- [Beliefs](trust.md) about what others expect.

Beyond others, we must also forgive ourselves.

- We are typically either *much* more or *much* less forgiving toward ourselves than others.

However, it's *not* instant, and the Enright Process captures its 4 phases:

1. Uncovering: gaining insight on an [injustice](morality.md) committed.
   - The injustice doesn't have to necessarily be real, but it must feel real.
   - The largest hurdle is in uncovering what, exactly, had happened, which requires tons of willpower and honesty.
2. Decision: committing to releasing the injustice.
   - This doesn't actually mean *doing* anything about it, but more accepting the experience isn't worth holding on to it anymore.
3. Work: taking efforts to walk through the injustice and release it.
   - The work involves gaining a more thorough mental understanding of the offender and accepting whoever that person is.
   - The result of it is a sensible realization that the offender is simply a human being, and not evil incarnate.
4. Deepening: finding a type of [meaning](meaning.md) through giving up control.
   - Contrary to *any* intuition of an unforgiving person, releasing control gives a stronger connection with others, decreases negative experiences, and can often give more purpose in the rest of life.

Accept that the trauma has permanently changed you:

- While you didn't want it, you are now a different person from the experience.
- You can't revert back to the person you were, but you can become a new person you wish to be in light of the experience you've survived.
  - It's not uncommon to develop quirks or idiosyncrasies in light of the traumatic experiences you've encountered.
- You should be "moving forward", *not* "moving on", and *can* [succeed](success-1_why.md) if you set your mind to it.

## The three forms of forgiveness

You will have to mix-and-match the three forms of forgiveness toward what has happened to you.

- If it feels too complicated to apply only one of them, [logically](logic.md) divide out the experience into smaller components that are easier to approach.

A. Exoneration

- Usually what people imply with the word "forgive", which restores the offender completely as if the event never happened.
- There are three common exoneration situations:
  1. Someone caused a legitimate accident, but not negligently.
  2. Someone didn't understand the pain they caused.
  3. The person who hurt you:
     1. Is truly sorry.
     2. Takes full responsibility without excuses.
     3. Asks for forgiveness.
     4. Genuinely doesn't want to repeat the action.
- If someone has fully apologized and is trying or has tried to make amends, you are morally responsible to exonerate them.
- If you can't forgive someone completely repentant, there may be something more wrong with you than your offender.

B. Forbearance

- A far more common situation of "trust but verify", where the offender has only partially admitted guilt.
- Forbearance is necessary when the offender:
  1. Makes a partial or potentially inauthentic apology.
  2. Mixes blame into their expression of sorrow that implies complete innocence.
- Forbear someone if you want or need to stay on acceptable terms with them:
  1. Let go of that particular offense.
  2. Remove grudges and fantasies of revenge.
  3. Stay watchful of their behavior in the future.
- With time and [love](people-love.md), forbearance can become exoneration and full forgiveness if that person [changes](people-changes.md).

C. Release

- Unlike exoneration or forbearance, release is personal separation from the offense inside the mind.
- Release is always necessary for ourselves, but especially when the offender doesn't believe they did anything wrong or gives a thoroughly insincere apology with no promise of reparations.
- Release-only situations often come from:
  - Adult child abuse survivors.
  - Victims of infidelity.
  - Betrayal from friends or family members.
- Release doesn't have many requirements:
  - You don't need a continued relationship with the offender or even another encounter with them.
  - You're only required to give up trying to "fix" what happened to you.
  - Release allows you to let go of the hurt feelings and past trauma and stop defining your life with a past wound.
- Your happiness, regardless of who wronged you or how, depends on releasing all grudges and ill intent toward anyone.
  - Release isn't forgetting, but is accepting that you now bear the consequences of something that happened outside your control.
  - If you ever [go to sleep](sleep.md) without releasing the grudge, it will encode itself into your [subconscious](awareness.md) and become harder to work through later.
  - By not releasing the old pain, those people will repeatedly re-hurt you in your mind without your permission.
  - Psychotherapy, your individual efforts, or [religion](religion-answers.md) can all get you there, but only [Christian doctrine](jesus-gospel.md) can reliably wipe away our resentments.