# How to handle hardship caused by family

Hardship with family is particularly difficult because of how close you are to them.

- Generally, it's harder to permanently sever ties without serious ripple effects.
- Even when you *do* sever ties [in a peaceable way](people-conflicts.md), other members not tied to the conflict may not be as comfortable with the situation.

Each member must undo their dysfunction:

1. Accept that each member must make their own changes and that nobody else can do it for them.
2. Own control of yourself and relinquish control of others.
3. Create and enforce [healthy boundaries](people-3_respect.md) with other members.
4. Learn patience, since change takes longer than you'll expect.

Find a new, healthier, supportive group who respects your boundaries more:

- Social events, hobbies with others, and sports clubs
- Religious groups
- 12-step support and recovery groups
- Individual therapy or group therapy specifically for dysfunctional families

## How to handle abusive parents and guardians

Families start with [a man and a woman](relationships-marriage.md), and every dysfunctional family arises from two dysfunctional people.

- Over time, each family member will adopt at least a few rigid roles:
  - Peacemaker: tries to resolve all [conflicts](people-conflicts.md)
  - Caretaker: tries to do all the work
  - Scapegoat: gets in the most trouble
  - Golden One: cherished and praised by everyone else
  - Silent One: ignored by everyone else
  - There are many others, depending on which psychological system is being used.
- Healthy families will move these roles around, but dysfunctional ones tend to lock people into those roles.
  - The Peacemaker and Caretaker will constantly cross [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) to attempt peace with everyone, and will be [abused](hardship-abuse.md) in the process.
  - The Scapegoat will be constantly berated as "bad" even when they [succeed](success-1_why.md).
  - The Golden One will be valued by everyone, but will also be held to an unfair standard.
  - The Silent One will be neglected and have to become self-sufficient.

Parents often play siblings against each other.

- A parent will shame the Scapegoat with the Golden Child (e.g., falsehoods like "I raised you both the same.").
- The parent will often compare the siblings with each other, a bit like a competition that disregards all aspects of [personality](people-personality.md).
- The parent will speak about the child more often than *to* the child (i.e., using a third person or "triangulation").
- The parent will withhold [love](people-love.md) from one child while publicly showering the other one with it.

If you've been hurt by a parent, don't wait for them to change:

- They obviously created the environment you were in, with all its specific patterns, and they didn't change *that* time.
- They may not have loved you, but it's more likely that they gave at least a decent effort while failing at [their responsibilities](parenting-children.md).

If your emotional scarring is severe, spend time completely away from them:

- About 5-10 years can dramatically change the situation, especially if you've been building out your [network](people-friends.md) and [career](jobs-1_why.md) elsewhere.

Whatever issues you don't work through *will* express in your [romantic relationships](relationships-why.md), so work intentionally on your [self-awareness](mind-awareness.md) and [growth](maturity.md).

- The number one thing that determines a child's success in life is how well their parents trained them for impulse control.
  - This is [scientifically](science.md) the single most determining factor even accounting for [personality](people-personality.md), intelligence, talent, and [socioeconomic status](people-classes.md).
  - [Bad parenting](parenting-children-bad.md) is guaranteed to create limited or nonexistent impulse control.
- Most people don't tend to learn impulse control later in life, so they will often propagate or magnify their parents' role modeling during [hardship](hardship.md).
  - However, [choosing to change key habits](habits.md) can reverse the family cycle.

## How to deal with an unwanted pregnancy

You're in a severely stressful situation, but don't panic:

- Your decisions are critical for the well-being of yourself and your child, but you usually will have 6-7 months to prepare.
- Ignore the politicized discussions about your situation and any [shame](mind-feelings-shame.md) from your friends and family: only focus on answers.
- If you *don't* calm yourself and think rationally, you're going to destroy at least 2 lives with your decision.

You've obviously made a mistake, so own it:

- If you're the father, you're just as responsible for creating a baby's life as the mother.
- If you're the mother, the father has as much inherent right to make decisions about the best interests of the baby as you.
- Unless you were both talking about marriage already, do *not* get married simply "because of the baby".
  - A child needs a supportive and loving father and mother who share at least some value systems, and it'll lead to divorce later without that situation.
  - If you're uncertain about them, but also want to risk it, get a prenuptial agreement.
- Don't try to hide it from other people, since they'll find out anyway.

You now have a small child you must take care of:

- Despite any [political battles](politics-conservativeliberal.md) about abortion, an unborn baby is as much a human being as a born baby: it's not defined by whether it's in the mother or not.
  - Even if you want to say a first-trimester baby is simply a "fetus", second-trimester babies already start looking human.
  - If you *wanted* the baby, you'd be excited as of the first conception, so disagreeing with this is simply acting on a [layer of toxic shame](hardship-worthlessness.md).
- Even in extreme situations like rape or incest, killing an unborn baby is [immoral](morality-evil.md).
- Unfortunately, most pregnant single mothers are [deceived](people-lying.md) about the facts, and often severely regret their abortion later.

If you don't believe you'll give the baby a good home, look into giving the child up for adoption or having an extended family member take care of them:

- You will often have social workers who will be present to assist, but [know your rights](people-boundaries-why.md) before [consenting](people-contracts.md) to anything.
- If you think you *can* be a good [parent](parenting-children.md) but aren't ready yet, give them to someone you know to temporarily take care of them.
  - Contrary to popular culture, [parenting](parenting-babies.md) is difficult only in how children *steadily* have needs (e.g., food, diaper change, hygiene).
- Ignore the [religious discussions](religion.md) that condemn your situation, and try to find people who will [love](people-love.md) you in your time of need.

If you've *had* an abortion, don't [destroy your self-value](hardship-worthlessness.md) about it:

- Very likely, someone [lied to you](people-lying.md) about what an abortion really is.
- In a sense, you were the instrument of someone else's agenda.
- If you had known that "fetus" was a baby, with what you know now, would you have had an abortion all over again?
  - If so, you're likely [the victim of your own toxic self-deception](hardship-worthlessness.md).
  - If not, you've changed, and you can educate others about the reality of the situation when others are in it.

## How to handle difficult children

Even if you did your best, all parents hurt their children:

- Psychological scars you didn't realize you inflicted.
- Experiences you permitted that traumatized them.
- Lessons you inadvertently taught them that were entirely wrong.

Your child may have formed dysfunctional patterns:

- Treats each day as a disconnected, unrelated experience without [goals](success-3_goals.md) or long-term plans.
- Has trouble with intimacy, which can later become trouble maintaining [relationships](relationships-why.md) or staying in abusive relationships.
- Has no concept of "normal" or healthy.
- Relentlessly judges oneself or others.
- Takes self very seriously or feels overly responsible.
- Has trouble finishing tasks from beginning to end or is overly irresponsible.
- Doesn't adapt to other people and their needs.
- Needs constant approval or affirmation.
- Never handles [conflict](people-conflicts.md) well, and often avoids or intensifies it.
- Fears rejection and abandonment, but rejects others.

To move on, you *must* apologize to them:

1. Reconcile *your* trauma.
   - Your child didn't do anything malicious when they were little, and did exactly what you taught them to survive.
2. Admit to yourself that you hurt them.
3. Prepare yourself for your pain when you confront them.
4. Carefully select a neutral time and place to meet with them.
5. Ask for their permission to discuss something very personal to you.
6. Share that you realize you've harmed them.
   - Explain to the fullest of your ability how much you know.
7. Ask for forgiveness for every single wrong you've committed.
   - List everything you can think of for them.
8. When you can't think of anything else, ask if you've missed anything.

Be quick to apologize to your children:

- Parents spend their entire lives waiting for their children to thank them.
- Adult children spend their entire lives waiting for their parents to say they're sorry.
- Generally, children are often so hurt that they won't thank their parents until they've experienced [healing](hardship-ptsd-release.md) in themselves.

They will need to work through the issues they've inherited by themselves:

- Their issues will likely repeat and remix themselves as they carry into their subsequent life stages.
- They will reject any unsolicited efforts on your end, so do *not* try to fix their situation.
- Their problems frequently come full circle when their children (your grandchildren) treat them the way they treated you.
  - Before judging them, they likely treated you the way you treated *your* parents.