## How to work through narcissistic abuse

In particular, people with [Cluster B personality disorder](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb.md), non-negotiably, causes severe damage to others.

- Except for [narcissists](mind-neurodivergence-clusterb-narcissist.md), they don't really *aim* for that abuse, but the naturally-formed selfishness within their personality means they're unable to recognize the damage they do to others' feelings.
- Their abuse is highly effective because most people who haven't experienced it have a hard time imagining it:
  1. They don't have the ability to recognize [the abuse cycle](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md) for themselves.
  2. They can't observe the non-physical experiences you've had.
  3. The entire thing is so extreme that it sounds like a dramatization in itself.
  4. Many of them aren't aware of the codependency that develops with trauma bonding, so they think the victim could always simply leave.
- Further, there is a higher statistical likelihood of Cluster B among [leaders](mgmt-1_why.md), so many of them will have zero compassion on the abuse they do elsewhere.

If you've *ever* been close to a narcissist, they will cause trouble for you:

- They will often blame you for their faults ("projection").
  - Over time, they will eventually call others narcissists, which can cause tremendous [trauma](hardship-ptsd.md) to someone who is [self-unaware](mind-awareness.md).
- They will often use other people against you ("triangulation").
- They'll demand constant attention and obedience from people close to them.
- They have a double standard on empathy and praise:
  - They'll have zero empathy for anyone else's pain.
  - They will, however, expect others to acknowledge their [pain and hardship](hardship.md).
  - While they won't give much sincere praise, they'll expect others to praise them in some capacity.

Staying around the abuse can be exhausting.

- From the outside, most people don't understand that narcissistic abuse preys on people who have a combination of [high empathy](mind-feelings.md) mixed with [bad boundaries](people-boundaries.md).
  - Most people don't put up with [their awful behavior](people-conflicts-narcissist.md), but these people, for whatever reason, do.
- Being a victim, therefore, requires trying to stay attentive to their vacillating [identity](people-identity.md).
  - To the victim, they think they're helping them, but they're simply useful to the abuser's [purposes](purpose.md).
- This entire experience of following their constantly shifting [image](people-image-why.md) is exhausting to maintain ("duplicity fatigue")
  - That exhaustion, sadly, is part of the manipulation mechanism for the abuser.

## When it all falls apart

At some point, a narcissist will make a severe [break from you](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md) when you likely don't expect it.

- This happens when something in you has decided to set [clear boundaries](people-boundaries.md), and those boundaries make them realize they can't graft themselves with you or use you anymore.

The immediate feeling from their break will be severe [guilt](mind-feelings-shame.md).

- This guilt will psychologically mirror the sorrow of leaving an infant in desperate need, largely because you played a caretaker role in their life.
- In the emotional intensity, it's easy to forget that the "child" you feel is in fact trapped in an adult body.
  - That person has essentially misused their adult state to create [evil](morality-evil.md) against you.
  - This "child" has the weapon of adulthood, and has every intention to destroy you.
- It is also very common to experience "survivor's guilt" (guilt over not suffering as much as others).
  - It can represent as "not having done enough" or assuming responsibility for others' [feelings](mind-feelings.md)
  - However, you are in no way responsible for making other people [feel](mind-feelings.md) anything.

Expect the abuser to smear you for as long as possible.

- They will try to defame you, maybe even publicly, and may even perjure you in court with false allegations.
- This is common, and happens due to the attitudes following [their discard](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md).
  - You are damaged, hurt, and see how utterly empty that person is, meaning you don't see their behavior as worthy of their total annihilation.
  - They are throwing an adult tantrum and trying to destroy you as an act of revenge that they've lost control of you.
  - Therefore, you'll be quieter, and they'll be telling the whole world about how awful you are.
- You will almost certainly [lose friends](people-friends-bad.md) you trusted were more reasonable.

## Healing afterward

Recovering from the abuse is complex, and it takes time.

- Most narcissistic abuse survivors develop strange [boundaries](people-boundaries.md) that don't quite reflect healthy behavior.
- Most people will "shrink" themselves from whatever they had rights to.
  - This often shows in their conduct with others (e.g., not wanting to greet someone because the other person didn't give eye contact first).
  - This can also represent in finding comfort in escapism and [addiction](addiction.md) (e.g., hobbies where nobody will notice).
- However, sometimes victims can exhibit narcissistic traits, especially if they were exposed to it for many years.

The only healing from narcissistic abuse comes through both finding our worth, and in [loving others](people-love.md) more than ourselves.

- Narcissists build their fantasy around victimization, so absolutely *anyone* who victimizes, even as a response to a narcissist, runs the risk of becoming one themselves.
  - The vampire [mythology](stories-myths.md) comes directly from this imagery: you become the monster yourself if you don't take the time to heal from it.
  - Victimization from narcissistic abuse directly affects brain structure and function, dominantly in the hippocampus, amygdala, and prefrontal cortex.
- The start of this is in directly owning the mistakes you made:
  - The mistake of consenting to that person entering your life so intimately.
  - The mistake of responding with [bad boundaries](people-boundaries.md).
  - The [sins](theology-sins-list.md) you committed against them, even if you feel it was justified.
- It then requires realizing [you have inherent value](humanity.md).
  - Your value is non-negotiable, simply because you were a lovingly created being.
- That value extends outward to understanding everyone else has value as well.
  - Each person is a broken, damaged soul who is worthy of being loved.

The complex issue, however, is that every step you take without the narcissistic abuser will inevitably represent breaking free of a type of [addiction](addiction.md) to that familiar abuse.

- Attachment to narcissistic abusers is a deep attachment that represents absolutely everything that person gave ("trauma bond").
  - This isn't simply the attachment of that person, but also an attachment to every positive experience.
- Specifically, trauma bonds represent just about everything:
  - The relief after the pain
  - The reconnection after the silence
  - Hope renewed for the same grandiose plans discussed at the beginning
  - A chance to not be alone again
- For that reason, breaking from a trauma bond is withdrawal from an addiction.

At any time, the abuser may try to reconnect to gain control ("hoovering").

- This usually represents when the victim starts showing public signs of healing.
  - They look healthier and [happier](mind-feelings-happiness.md).
  - They're finding new [meaning](meaning.md) with someone or something else.
- However, going back to them will only re-establish [their abuse cycle](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md).
- Frequently, the abuser will try to "flex" to draw attention from their former victim.
  - They'll intentionally do as many public-facing things that show self-improvement, then demonstrate how they've changed.
  - However, this will fall apart as soon as the victim investigates further.
  - Further, if the victim holds the abuser accountable, the abuser's fragile ego will demonstrate hostility at them again with [more of their familiar abuse](people-conflicts-narcissist.md).

To avoid future [abuse from other narcissists](hardship-abuse-narcissist-stages.md), learn to adopt confident and strong [body language](language-speaking-bodylanguage.md).

- Make slow, deliberate gestures.
- Place your weight on both feet.
- Keep your hands visible and unmoving.
- Speak from your chest, and keep your voice anchored downward at the end of a sentence.
- Do not start sentences with apologies.

## Family narcissism

Their behavior is the direct cause of most [family hardship](hardship-family.md).

- Most narcissists are *very* severe parents, often [disciplining their children](parenting-children-boundaries-rules.md) far more than loving them.
- When there isn't any formal discipline in the home, the children are exposed to severe [chaos and disorder](unknown.md).

Being raised by a narcissist can severely affect someone's [personality](people-personality.md).

- A child raised in that environment will come to believe that they can only receive love conditionally based on what they do, and are never worthy of love for their intrinsic nature.
- Beyond anything else, narcissist parents create an inherent risk that their children become narcissists as they [mature](maturity.md).
- Many other [neurodivergences](mind-neurodivergence.md) can arise, such as [autism](mind-neurodivergence-autism.md) (through feeling entirely unloved to the point of severe [distrust](mind-trust.md)) or Tourette's Syndrome (through bottled-up repressed behavior).